i am trying, truly, to recreate the manner in which i live my life when nothing is happening. it is hard, though, when i have so much to live up to - my personality is so big, so seemingly unchallenged by the petty and the asinine and the impertinent. i am strong, and i try to come at the world with an inexorable, passionate force that cannot be tampered with by anyone.
but, in my relentlessness, i am inflexible. instead of bending, i break. this time, i've broken.
i should have known better. i should have known better than to let myself become so comfortable there. i should have known better than to feel loved and love in return to all the people there. i should have known better than to think that they were my friends, ultimately, who loved me and wanted what was best for me.
right now, i am hurt. i am more than hurt - i am heartbroken. here, i sit in class as i write this, with an ache in my chest and tears in my eyes. i don't want to eat. i don't want to go to my classes. i just want to sleep. i just want to cry. i want to lie down in my bed and wrap myself in my blankets because sorrow is bone-chilling when it wraps around your insides and paralyzing when it moves in like it's there to stay.
i thought that, upon some self-reflection, i might be able to see myself from another perspective. i have analyzed all of my actions over the past month trying to find a reason to feel so hated. the thing is - i can't. i cannot find a single thing that i have done that i would do differently. i have worked hard at my job. i have been fair at my job. i have treated my boyfriend like my manager when it was appropriate and i have treated everyone with respect. i did not deserve this.
and that's what makes it hurt more.
i don't want to work anymore. i don't want to be in college anymore. i don't ever want to talk to any of them again.
(i know it's dramatic. i'll be over it soon enough.)
(i just can't help it right now.)
Monday, November 11, 2013
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