telling me would not have been easy, but it would have prevented me from this - a selfish refusal to show you any benefit of the doubt and a flickering sadness that is too dim for me to get anything accomplished but too bright for me to sleep.

it is not your fault, but you could have prevented it.

hopefully, someday i will know what logic tells me - you were protecting me because you love me.

hopefully, someday you learn that, if love were euchre, it would not be the right.

perhaps i'm just not in season.

at one point in time
there was something beautiful
in me
but you clipped it
and you claimed it as your own
like you were the thing that bloomed
no, there is nothing beautiful
about you
but now
because of you
there is no beauty in me
either.

to this screen of white that has waited for me without protest to say what i feel - thank you.

i hope i can tell you soon. i'm just not ready to deal with it yet.

I can, as people say, "take the high road," if I choose. It would not be difficult. Baskin Robbins has a lot of problems. I can take the high road, or I can sulk. I choose to sulk. The high road does not lead to a silver lining. It leads to the realization that two years of my life were wasted working at a store that did not notice me with people who did not value me.

Two years.

Quiero que recuerdas que soy tu hija.

I'm tired of fighting with you about exercise. For the first time in my life, I am comfortable with who I am. I am not thin - I am okay with that. I would like to be healthier, and if I lose weight in the process, that's fine. But I like myself, and I will not let you try to take that away from me.

I'm so tired.

The thought that keeps me going: someday, when I'm older, I will be able to tell my children that I met their father when I was only sixteen.

Trying to paint a new picture is hard because I think I already used all the paint on the first one.

Listen: I miss you more than I can ever find the words to say. Okay? Are you happy now? I miss you so much that I have traveled back two years on my social networking accounts to read what you and I have said to each other. It's the closest I can get to talking to you.

I am no longer sticking to my principles because they are my principles. I am sticking to them because I have already told people what my principles are. I am weaker than who I decided to be in the beginning of all of this. I am not big enough to be brave or strong. I am too hurt by what has happened to love myself enough.

You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me, and I will never forgive you I swear up and down. You took my favorite parts of my life and ruined them but fuck if I could spend just one day with you like nothing ever happened I would throw everything I ever said out the window and spend that day with you.

Nothing I have told anyone about her matters on nights like this where I feel like I am drowning and I am lonely and nothing will ever be the same.