Officially?

It's time for me to be honest. In this category, I have not been honest in a long, long time.

I want a boyfriend. I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I know that I have not been "alone" for a long time, but... oh, have I been alone for a long time.

I want a proper, official relationship. I am so sick of this half-hearted, misinterpreted bullshit I've had for the past year. I would rather live my entire life completely alone than endure the constant ache of uncertainty. I cannot function on occasional text declarations and refusal to make eye contact. I cannot function on trunk expeditions and drunk epiphanies. I cannot function like this.

I want to cuddle with someone. I want to take those pictures on Facebook that lonely people look at and roll their eyes. I want to share everything with someone and gain his heart in return. I want to love and be loved and for it to be too much and not enough at the same time.

It doesn't have to be dramatic and it doesn't have to be forever, but I want someone to care about me and want to be with me in the same way that I have been fighting for for the past eighteen months. I cannot handle this sickening defacement of commitment that you created for me.

I want someone to call me baby. I want someone to be afraid of my father but to meet him anyway. I want someone to kiss me for every reason they can find and then when they run out of reasons to make them up.

I want to be hugged and I want to hold hands. I want stupidity and sarcasm and intimacy all rolled into one. I just want a relationship with someone: a completely imperfect relationship, I want to work for a paycheck instead of waiting to win the lottery.

I just fucking hated that bullshit you gave me twenty four hours a day. A year came and went and you didn't want to date me for this and that and I just don't care anymore because the whole concept of you made me feel like I'm alone and beyond the reach of the rest if the world. You've wreaked too much havoc and I need to find a way to build up the strength to let the insecurities I developed while you were around go.

I will wait forever for something real to come. Is that too much to ask?