You guys

YOU GUYS

IT IS THREE THIRTY FOUR IN THE MORNING

WHAT HAVE I DONE

JUST KILL ME OH DEAR

vale.

For the very last time and forever, goodnight moon, and goodnight you.

You're no longer all that I think about.

When I look back now, I do not glorify you as I once did. I do not ignore all the time we wasted. I do not ignore all the times you sidestepped me. I do not ignore all the things I didn't say. We are both smart, introspective people. We both have spent the past seventeen years building up our own resilience and independence. We liked the same music and had the same favorite movie, and our connection on multiple levels gave us potential.

But we collided. No, not collide: it implies a quick, earth-shattering blow. Like the tectonic plates shift under the earth, parts of our personalities scraped and grazed and slid atop each other. They constantly moved with time and circumstance, but seldom were the days where we found the fault line ran smooth and the ground above remained steady. We spent over a year trying to match up the cracks, but eventually, the best of us was eroded by an omnipresent force called reality. We were never suited for each other in the ways that mattered.

I talk about you often, but I am one who likes to look back. I like to reflect on the days that have happened when I am trying to figure out how to approach the days that are to come.

I have a good feeling for the days that are to come.

Sleepless in TH

At first, you infuriated me. I couldn't believe you would extend me this pseudo-olive branch. I felt that you wanted to gain control, I did not want to give you the upper hand, but I made myself calm down. I made myself wait. When I did respond, I was merely despondent.

I am not ready for you, and it has little to do with our history and everything to do with how I view you as a person. My opinion of you changes constantly, and I cannot talk to you and try to sort it all out. I know you don't mind that much either way, but I am very sorry and hope maybe someday we can be friends. Just not now.


You either hardly cared at all or care too much. But I don't need your pity because I am fine. I am fine without you.

This is the final one.

Hopefully forever, but let's be realistic. For tonight, though, indeed it is. I'm drunk off of my own exhaustion.

I'm sorry that everything came to this. Maybe it all stemmed from reading this blog. I can see where it'd be frustrating. I had all these thoughts, these outbursts of anger and passion and sadness, and I never told you about any of them.  I took my emotions to every extreme: I said I hated you and I said I loved you. I said that we defaced commitment and I said we defied the odds every day. I flew across the spectrum of relationship ties and confused even myself with my words. 

And I kept it all in. I never told you any of it. It all stemmed out of one thing: I didn't trust you to stay. I didn't trust you to not flitter off like a startled wild animal once I gave you what you said you needed from me. I didn't think it would be enough to keep you. Even if I did have reason to be nervous, I know that was never once fair to you. How could you possibly know what I was thinking? How could I possibly know what you were going to do? Sometimes I was rude, sometimes I was love-struck, and sometimes I was bold, but to you, I was always silent. That silence played a key role in our downfall.

It's unfortunate that it came to this. Obviously, I care a lot about how this ended. I have written about this endlessly. I have cried loudly and hysterically and I have stayed locked in my room wracked with silent sobs. I have teared up at the mention of your name, and my stomach has dropped at the sight of your picture. But today, I also have laughed. I have spoken Spanish and watched cartoons and, oh, how life goes on so quickly. And that's good. Life will go on.  Life is going on. Life has gone on. And I have caught up with it, even though it has taken a strength and endurance I never knew I possessed.

I don't know if you'll ever read this again because you got what you wanted. I looked like a catty bitch, and you have so many little reasons to hate me. Now you can construct a genuine disdain for me. Now you have all the justifications in the world. And that's okay. It's okay to be hurt and upset and angry because I was too. I was that you posted that about me because damn that physically ached. I was hurt that we ended at all even though I knew it was going to happen. I just wasn't sure of the details. It was okay for me to be upset too. I know that, no matter how much it hurt to read, you wrote it for a reason and that reason is because you want to be over me. I know you're not. That's okay. I'm sorry you feel the need to tell the world otherwise, but I don't blame you. I did precisely the same thing. I put on a brave face and said, "Joe?" and shrugged it off like it was just a name and not a foundation. It was easier than explaining the complications of us. It was all a messy web that we both tore apart so brutally in our own ways. Even with the best of intentions, we obliterated each other. For a long time, I desperately wished it hadn't been so.

(410 days. I counted. I can't believe I counted. Did you know that you told me you liked me around this time last year? I remember what you said. "I think I'm starting to like you because..." I can't remember the exact details, but I know it was especially because of my taste in music. Oh, I read that twenty times before I replied. I'd never been so giddy to get a text message. It's funny how a date like that can mean something so different a year later.)

Even though I am completely content with the fact that you and I are over for the rest of our lives, I still wish you the greatest happiness in all of your future endeavors.

Reminders.

Everything in my life is so wrong and it was never supposed to happen like this. I can't possibly cry like I was again tonight. I can't think.

I have absolutely no energy or will to function anymore.

is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

I'm sorry

I am tired.

I loathe you, but sometimes I miss you too, and I constantly wonder how that can be true. This town is stamped with memories of my (410) Days of You and they get to me sometimes when my guard is down.

As much as I complained, I knew I'd feel this way when you were gone. Maybe, deep in my heart, this is the reason behind all of my reluctance. You made up for your lack of substance through your words, and those finely tuned words kept me sane.

In short, you met me at a time when I was fragile and broken. You took my flaws and you cast them aside as irrelevant, and you made me feel like I deserved all the good things that happened to me.

Being without you physically ached, but I know that my inability to communicate was at a standstill with your inability to commit. This end was inevitable, but so was how I felt about you.

and this is so difficult for the both of us.
I know we tried so hard. there's just no hope for us.
it's more than a shame that we lost to this game.
all my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing - nothing will ever be the same.

Retrospect

We are done.

You and I are nothing now. We are not friends or lovers. There can only ever be one, and we chose nothing a long, long time ago.

I am so relieved. I am finally done completely. I am finally ready to move forward.

Oh, here we go again.

You were attractive when I first met you because I was bored and you were cute.

You are attractive now because you are shy and sarcastic and witty and good.

You are my boss. I should never say this about my boss, but I can't help it. Look at you.

I hope you never like me because you are far too good ever to take interest in someone like me. I am not the type of person people should love.

I am the type of person people should make small talk with and get out of the elevator.

Absurdity.

You are calling me out and I take everything and make it my fault. This combination is not good.

I don't know what you're doing right now. I don't know why I'm fighting back. I don't know what sparked this and I don't know how to react to it. All I know is that my hands shake as I type these sentences. I don't have an ounce of anger left in me.

I know I was fucking confusing. I know I signed up for you and I didn't hold my end of the deal, okay? I think about it all the fucking time. I think about all of the things I could've done differently and it tears me to shreds because we could've been so many things. I could've been the one who stayed. I could've been the one who proved you wrong about people who leave because sometimes you got on my last nerve and sometimes I wanted to say, "I hate that boy," but through all my negativity and silence, I felt something unparalleled.

Isn't that the issue though? My entire part of the relationship was one big I wanted to, but I didn't. I wanted to call you but I didn't. I wanted to hang out with you but I didn't. I wanted to kiss you but I didn't. I wanted to date you but I didn't. I wanted to be the fucking perfect person for you but I didn't. And I don't know if I would've realized this had this not happen, and I know sometime I'll like a boy and we'll end up happy, but I feel despicable. I feel repulsive in my mind and body. This is so much bigger than you or this pseudo-relationship. I can't make people happy. I'm not capable of being someone that other people are going to love. People think I am intriguing and they get bored and despondent as they learn about me, and you make me feel like it's going to be that way forever. Realistically, I know that it won't be. Someday I'll be happy, but for now, I just want to be alone because not being with me seems to suit you pretty well.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I didn't give you what you needed so that you could be what I needed. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you when I was upset or angry or anything. I'm sorry that I wanted to, but I didn't.

And here I am again writing to this blog because I know I'll never write to you and seem vulnerable again. And guess what? I'll want to, but I won't.

To you;

I wrote a terrible, terrible poem.

It is one in the morning and god I am so lonely.

I just want you to tell me I'm fine.