Decision-Making Skills.

I sit here on a Monday night as if I have nothing to do, but honestly, I should have started to study a long time ago.

Today, an old acquaintance of mine asked me on a date this weekend. I have known this boy for years, but he and I have never held a substantial conversation. No one has ever been as direct as he was with me. He stopped me in the hallway today, pulled me aside, and said, "You want to hang out this weekend? Like a date. We could see a movie."

Do I want to go on a date? Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want commitment and a label? Am I prepared to stop shamelessly pursuing Isaias and yet pretending like I don't actually have the biggest crush on him known to man? These questions have no answer right now. The last time I called someone my boyfriend, officially rather than just to other people, was two years ago. I am the girlfriend type, but do I know how to be that anymore?

Or do I want something less serious? Damn, I can't even remember the last time I had a little... fun. What kind of thing is that to say? The boy is decent-looking, and he seems like a nice person. When did I start thinking about basing a relationship solely on physical activities?

Basically, there is one big problem with this: I am like a fish out of water in this pool of unavailable men. I'm not used to it. I have had an entirely physical relationship, and that left me hopeless and craving an emotional connection. I have had an entirely emotional relationship, and that left me desperate for physical attention and idly daydreaming about pinning my boss against the wall.

Also, and anywhere else, I will continue to deny this even to myself: I like Isaias. The last thing I should be doing in my life is feeding the hope at the corners of my mind that someday, he and I will be something, anything at all. Every real-life scenario between the two of us launches three in my mind in which a word, a sentence, a question begins something. What scares me the most is the fact that this is not because I am lonely. This is because you are such a good person and you always leave me craving more of you. I don't  think anyone's ever appreciated you before. That's a damn shame because you deserve so much.

Probably far better than I'll ever be, honestly.