Anxiety.

I wanted to go to sleep a long time ago.

But I have a problem, you see. I have a horrible problem. I am a hypochondriac.

I can't sleep these days, and I wake up exhausted because I lie in bed in a near-panic for hours sometimes because I can't stop thinking about all the diseases I could have.

I've always been like this, but it's gotten worse recently. I can't focus on school or anything because I think about myself dying all the time. I think about all of the things that could go wrong or may already be wrong with my body until I want to cry or throw up.

I exhaust my brain with these thoughts of cancer and tumors and all things terminal. I face my mortality all the time. It makes me sick, and even as I type all of this, tears are welling up in my eyes because I'm so fucking terrified all the time that I don't even want to be awake to think about this. It paralyzes me with fear on a daily basis and that is so unhealthy.

This sounds dramatic, but it's always been this way. I just wish I were a normal person. I wish I didn't constantly have this horrific notion that I was dying. I wish I could just focus on the things I need to focus on - like that scholarship or my homework - and instead making myself sick wondering if I'll live long enough to do this and that.

It's a terrible way to live. I can't do this for much longer. I need a professional.