Inquiry

There has to be a way to take the way that I feel about you and turn it into some kind of masterpiece. This, of course, is because you are nothing short of a masterpiece.

I want to tell you everyday how special you are - how I think you are adorable when you laugh and I would never find my car in a parking lot if you were not there. I can't come up with a way to describe the way I feel when I am around you or the way that I perceive you.

If a feeling can ever be accurately represented, then you will find it in the way that I look at you when you're not looking. You'll find it in the way I ruffle your hair while you talk and the way I smile and sigh when I feel you pull me tighter against you. Those are the things that really matter, not these words. Words are meaningless without actions behind them. Actions are meaningless without you.

You're a dream. The dream. My dream.

Overnight bag.

muchas otras muchachas brillan más brillantemente, y tú mereces el sol.

I promised myself I'd never end up the type of person who sat and sympathized with those stupid tumblr photos written on paint samples with instragram filters, so I've justified it by writing it in Spanish.

I feel ridiculous because I worry all the time about our relationship. We've only been together for a few months, and I'm jumping ahead - no, not marriage. I'm I'm jumping ahead to the end where you grow out of me. I'm jumping ahead to the end where you figure yourself out and move away. I'm jumping ahead to the end where, for one reason or another, you and I no longer work. In my defense, however, I don't worry that you'll find someone else. I only worry that you'll love me someday, but that love won't be enough.

I feel ridiculous because I don't like to think like this at all. I have never grown this attached to someone this quickly, and I think about you and cannot imagine a single thing that could make you better. I get overwhelmed sometimes with how lucky I am to have you in my life. You're constantly there when I need someone to talk to, and you always make me laugh. You are perfect, and I am so afraid that, at some point in our relationship, our lives will make this relationship inconvenient. I tell you all the time, mostly in a light-hearted tone, "You're just the dream." But you are. Over the past year, I've gotten to know you, and you are.

I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and keep you with me forever.

I'm having another episode.

I just need a stronger dose.

I can't fucking sleep because I'm terrified of everything in life I can't control. How can I succeed in life if I can't even control my own mind?

I hate myself. I'm having one of those nights where I hate myself so much that I wish my room didn't even have a mirror. I look at my arms and my stomach and my thighs and I think about how much I would love to be thinner and have better skin and prettier hair and I know I could fix myself but my negativity has destroyed my will to do anything except sulk.

I hope I get out of that soon. Bad habit.

Fuck I need to sleep. Maybe someday I will.