Uy.

For eighteen years, I've held it all together, but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.

I don't know what happened over the past few hours, but my mood went from excellent to horrible for no reason at all. I hate feeling so irrational and out of control of my emotions.

Right now, I am inexplicably angry at you. It's not your fault; honestly, you didn't do anything wrong. But that's not stopping me from thinking about the things you say and rolling my eyes. Logically, I know you haven't done anything to me, but that isn't stopping my anger from being entirely directed toward you. I don't even want to talk to you for the night right now or even for the next couple of days because I have worked myself up into a weird state of fury.

(And you don't even know. That's the worst part! You don't even know because why would you know that I've created this in my head? And so you keep pissing me off for the same reasons and all I can do is keep silent so you don't know how ridiculous I'm being right now.)

And I'm scared all the time. I constantly think about dying again. This is worse than its ever been because the gaps in between the times where my mind is at ease and where I feel out of control. I feel trapped in my own body. I could go to Bloomington to get away for a day, but I'm always going to carry my thoughts with me.

I can't escape myself and I hate it. It's going to be there for my entire life and I don't even know how I can live a long time with this kind of anxiety and still be happy. The sad thing is, though, I am so scared of dying that I can't even let myself believe that I will live a long life. Sometimes, I get so worked up about dying that I refuse to go to sleep until I am too exhausted to force myself awake because I'm afraid I'll die in my sleep.


It's always something, and I can't shake the feeling of terror that overwhelms me more now than it doesn't. I am hardly functional anymore and I don't know how therapy could make it any better, but the side effects of anti-anxiety medications turn me off completely from them. (And that's because of you. It's always for you. You just don't know it.) I know what therapists will say. I know a vast majority of people live long lives. I know the odds of me, a healthy, young nonsmoker with little family history, getting cancer is slim. But that doesn't matter to my ridiculous episodes.

I feel like I'm going to be this mess forever and that makes me want to lie on the ground and throw a sobbing fit like a little kid because it's not fair. I know my life could be worse, okay? I could be starving or sick or have a family that doesn't care about me, but instead of focusing on that, all I can see is the part where everything goes wrong. I can barely eat, I have to drag myself to exhaustion to go to sleep, and other people live life normally and don't want to throw up every time they get a bad headache because oh my god what if it's a brain tumor surely it couldn't be anything else what if its inoperable how will I keep my scholarship if I'm doing chemotherapy what would my life span be would I even make it to thirty how about twenty would Isaias still want to be with me if I were sick would it even be worth it for him if I could only give him a little while would it spread to other parts of my body would it be very painful how can I die this young?

Sometimes it's just a fucking headache okay? But this is what I do. I drive myself to the point of tears, of nausea, of panic, because a headache to me is an inoperable chronic condition that will cause me to die quickly and painfully and I spend so much time worrying about all of this these days that it is hard for me to get anything else accomplished.

I really want to like myself but this makes me want to stomp around and cry about how much I absolutely hate being me. I am stupid, I am ridiculous, and I am irrational, and I can't talk myself out of it. Just thinking about it all makes me want to cry partially because there are so many diseases in the world that I don't understand how people are healthy at all, but mostly because I know how much of a dumb fucking person I'm being but this anxiety is changing who I am. I just want to be able to relax. That's not that much to ask, is it?

Please. That's all I want.