I feel like I'm holding back things that I don't even know I want to say so we're gonna try some stream of consciousness here. Sound and the Fury style! I'm not even going to attempt to backspace and try to make things sound metaphorical and eloquent because let's face it I'm shit at writing anyway. I'm shit at most things. Also I curse too much when I don't make a conscious effort not to do so, and that makes me feel really unattractive. But that's beside the point.
My real problem I can't stop jumping waytoodamnfarahead into the future because we are almost done with the last full week of school and we are in single digits and Jesus Christ I am scared I am so scared because I am unable to cope with the fact that this period of my life that feels like the most significant thing thus far is eventually going to be a tiny little blip in the back of my mind that fades like a fucking photograph in the sun because high school is not really that important in the grand scheme of things at all and will really have no bearing whatsoever on the rest of my life. None of this is even going to matter in five years.
And in five years, oh my god, I will be a college graduate by then. Maybe I'll be in college again going to grad school, but maybe I'll be starting a career. I have not a single goddamn clue what I am going to do with my life and that is unnerving. I do not feel like an adult because I do not have an inkling what my adult life will be like. I have changed, matured, grown so much over the past four years, but I am going to walk out of North feeling like the same terrified, unprepared kid that I was when I walked through the doors as a freshman four years ago.
And I don't think I will live here in five years. I am stir-crazy for a place I have never been. Terre Haute for me has been wonderful and everything I could've asked for in a hometown, but damn, I cannot stay here for the rest of my life. I have no future here. I am smart, and I have no potential staying in this college-town with a declining population with people who really only find any kind of success as a lawyer with a private practice or a professor at ISU because this is all we have. Also dentists because damn dentists make a fucking ton of money for someone who stares at a person's teeth for thirty seconds after nurses do all the cleaning. Also beside the point. I liked being raised here because I have grown up into a person I am starting to embrace, but I never want to get married and settle down here. (Irony: you'll be the love of my life someday, and you're here. I hope you want to leave as much as I do someday.) I don't want to raise kids here. I need somewhere that will make me feel like I can be important and do something I love.
Time is the most objective force in the universe. It does not care that I want to spend just five more minutes kissing Isaias or if I need another day off of school to catch up or if I am going through one of those periods where I miss my grandmother because it just goes on. It goes on regardless of whether I want it to, and sometimes it does not pass fast enough, but it is steady and a second to me is a second to you is a second to Barack Obama is a second to Kim Jong-un. It doesn't care that I'm really insignificant to most of the world population or if someone has 300 million people to please or if someone else has come from a family famous for doing horrible things to innocent people. I know I say I am ready to be on summer break but I am not ready to deal with this huge change that's transitioning me from this stupid kid typing this novel at 12:30 in the morning into an adult that is going to have a career and a purpose in the world and be called Mrs. and Mom someday. Because, in four years, I will be doing this exact same thing because that is when real life starts and I will be expected to make something of myself and then, eventually, I will realize that my college experience, too, will not matter in the grand scheme of things.
And I could go on about Isaias for miles. Good things, scary things. Things about the love I know I'll be consumed by once it hits me, once I feel it say it mean it. I am eager, in both an excited and a panicked way, to see where he fits into all this and Jesus we've only been dating for nearly five months and I want to apply him to all of the above, all of that future I have discussed and to all things significant and insignificant about my life because I want to be successful but I will be successful so long as I am happy and he is what happy means to me. I don't even know what I used to call happy before I met him but it doesn't mean anything now. He is what I have always wanted my life to be, and that scares the shit out of me almost as much as it thrills me.
And right now, I don't even have my homework done! I sit in class and I think "man, this day is so long," but it's not. It's tiny. It's so tiny and I have so few left and it has created this giant, unedited mess of barely coherent thoughts up there. I'm not sure if I accomplished anything here except some temporary relief.
But hey, that's better than nothing.
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