culture shock

To you - I wish you were here. Not here, specifically, but I wish you were in the same place that I am. I want you to have a happy life, and I worry about you.

-

I want to like living here, but I'm homesick for a place that's five minutes away. I'm tired of walking around campus and being asked to be involved in things because I worry about losing the things I had before I moved here. I miss what I had with Isaias this summer. I miss feeling at home where I am supposed to live. This little room is so cozy and it's easy to walk around with a laptop and talk to new people, but I miss feeling comfortable. I don't want to worry about classes and friendships and my relationship.

I'm terrified. That's what it all comes down to. This is too much for me to be here and be a freshman in college. I miss my job. I miss my boyfriend. I miss being at home and I would start crying if my roommate and her friend were not here with me. I like this place but I hate it here. It hurts to be here.

I haven't even seen Isaias since I moved in. I know it was a few days ago, but move-in day to me feels like weeks ago. I used to see him all the time and I'm one day into classes and already worrying about our schedules conflicting too much to stay together. There is no way for me to fix the way I feel about that.

I saw Khala and Taylor earlier, but I am jealous of them. I got a full-ride scholarship and I should be so proud of myself. But instead, I feel trapped on this campus. They're going to get out and get apartments and start to move on and I'm trapped on this campus and it just makes me want to study abroad and forget about everyone here for literally no reason because everyone is great to me and all I'm doing right now is freaking the fuck out.

I feel like my life as I knew it from the time I was born until this weekend ended and now I'm in an entirely new one and I liked my life. I wasn't ready for it to end and yes I know it's supposed to be better but fuck you I don't care.


I want to sleep or to cry or to all of the above.