to this screen of white that has waited for me without protest to say what i feel - thank you.

i hope i can tell you soon. i'm just not ready to deal with it yet.

I can, as people say, "take the high road," if I choose. It would not be difficult. Baskin Robbins has a lot of problems. I can take the high road, or I can sulk. I choose to sulk. The high road does not lead to a silver lining. It leads to the realization that two years of my life were wasted working at a store that did not notice me with people who did not value me.

Two years.

Quiero que recuerdas que soy tu hija.

I'm tired of fighting with you about exercise. For the first time in my life, I am comfortable with who I am. I am not thin - I am okay with that. I would like to be healthier, and if I lose weight in the process, that's fine. But I like myself, and I will not let you try to take that away from me.

I'm so tired.

The thought that keeps me going: someday, when I'm older, I will be able to tell my children that I met their father when I was only sixteen.

Trying to paint a new picture is hard because I think I already used all the paint on the first one.

Listen: I miss you more than I can ever find the words to say. Okay? Are you happy now? I miss you so much that I have traveled back two years on my social networking accounts to read what you and I have said to each other. It's the closest I can get to talking to you.

I am no longer sticking to my principles because they are my principles. I am sticking to them because I have already told people what my principles are. I am weaker than who I decided to be in the beginning of all of this. I am not big enough to be brave or strong. I am too hurt by what has happened to love myself enough.

You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me, and I will never forgive you I swear up and down. You took my favorite parts of my life and ruined them but fuck if I could spend just one day with you like nothing ever happened I would throw everything I ever said out the window and spend that day with you.

Nothing I have told anyone about her matters on nights like this where I feel like I am drowning and I am lonely and nothing will ever be the same.

asymmetry

you never know where some people will go -
yeah, some people been hurtin' me.
you can tell by a look, by the slightest crook 
in the neck or the blink of an eye.

well, they will say what they say 
and they'll do what they do 
but that doesn't mean a goddamn thing.

you can listen if you want
you can listen if you don't
yeah, they'll talk, maybe even sing.

they'll come singing through the window
singing through the trees
they're singing trough the bright spring leaves.

yeah they love you when they need you 
but someday you're gonna need to
find some other kind of place to go.

Cobble

The snow has melted on the ground, but the blinding white still suffocates my thoughts. I don't know what I want to say, but I want to say it all and I want to say nothing and I don't know what I want. 

I find it hard to deal with the way everything has changed.

I still don't think that I deserved it, but 
I wish it all did not have to happen at the same time. It's much harder this way.