rodeo

Medication can only work if you're taking it. I never mean to skip a pill. Honestly, I never do. It just happens, more frequently than I'd like, because I'm always running.

But I can't keep myself from getting that sort of pill-popping ambivalence that people on attitude-altering drugs feel sometimes. I feel weak when I take my pills. I am letting ten milligrams define my personality. My entire life, I have not been able to achieve what those ten milligrams have achieved in a matter of weeks.

Ten milligrams of Lexapro. One tablet every morning (or afternoon or night or whenever I remember, I'm not picky) as directed. That's all it took to change me. Ten milligrams of Lexapro, the smallest prescribed dosage of anti-anxiety medications on the market is the thing that keeps me sane.

And I love what it's done, truly. I am a happier person because of Lexapro. Six months ago, this is what I stayed up until three saying:

I've gotten to an incredibly dangerous place. I don't want to go to college.  I don't want to spend time with my family. I don't want to be loved by anyone. I don't want to go near anyone or anything  because I don't deserve it, and I don't deserve it because in my own mind I am dying and I'm only going to complicate it all, only going to cause them pain.

 Realistically, rationally, logically, I need this medication. It fixes me.

But damn, I cannot stand when I am in a bad mood or I am upset and the first question is, "Did you take your anti-anxiety medications?"

I am still a person with feelings and layers and I am allowed to be upset over understandable and sometimes even irrational things about the world despite my constantly-medicated state.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm pulling at my hair again.

back to normalcy.

It is difficult to come to terms with things that are long over, possibly more difficult than fresh wounds. When something happens that tears you away from your comfort zone like a tornado, you have to rebuild yourself wherever you land. You can't go back to the way it used to be - you have to take things the way that they are.

It has been over a month, possibly almost two, since everything that happened at work came to an end. It's better now, a better environment for me there. Everyone laughs with me again and talks to me again. I am liked again, I suppose. 

The thing, though: I'm not any better. A lot of times, when I'm talking to Isaias usually, I'll laugh and say, "I'm still bitter." I know he sees some truth in it, but it's not just bitterness and anger that keeps the past on my mind. I am still hurt. I am still sad.

It wasn't just some "shameless work drama" I got involved in that has affected me so deeply. These people were who I considered to be my best friends. I went to Nashville with two of them, stayed in a hotel for the weekend. I loved my job with all of my heart because I thought the people there loved me as much as I loved them. I guess I was wrong.

All it took was Emily's leaving to shake everyone up. Isaias and I tried very hard to make sure it didn't even appear that I was getting special treatment, even making sure I had a couple crappy shifts to keep people from talking. But girls will be girls, I guess. All it took was Emily's leaving to shake everyone up, and the tornado came to my house.

I don't talk about it anymore, but I think about it all the time. No one says anything, I think, because they're embarrassed of the way that they treated me. They're embarrassed that they isolated me, that they talked behind my back without concrete evidence that I'd done anything wrong, and that they lied to each other about me to create an entire web of complete misunderstandings around which their disdain for me was centered. No one else talks about it anymore, so it's no longer acceptable for me to tell them that I am still not okay.

I didn't do anything wrong. I worked hard whenever I was there. I never got better shifts or more hours than anyone else. I never got any say in the things that Isaias did, and I never tried to step on any toes. I just wanted to be kind. I thought that was enough.

It hurts. It still does. It might very well hurt until the day I quit.

d-day

i am trying, truly, to recreate the manner in which i live my life when nothing is happening. it is hard, though, when i have so much to live up to - my personality is so big, so seemingly unchallenged by the petty and the asinine and the impertinent. i am strong, and i try to come at the world with an inexorable, passionate force that cannot be tampered with by anyone.

but, in my relentlessness, i am inflexible. instead of bending, i break. this time, i've broken.

i should have known better. i should have known better than to let myself become so comfortable there. i should have known better than to feel loved and love in return to all the people there. i should have known better than to think that they were my friends, ultimately, who loved me and wanted what was best for me.

right now, i am hurt. i am more than hurt - i am heartbroken. here, i sit in class as i write this, with an ache in my chest and tears in my eyes. i don't want to eat. i don't want to go to my classes. i just want to sleep. i just want to cry. i want to lie down in my bed and wrap myself in my blankets because sorrow is bone-chilling when it wraps around your insides and paralyzing when it moves in like it's there to stay.

i thought that, upon some self-reflection, i might be able to see myself from another perspective. i have analyzed all of my actions over the past month trying to find a reason to feel so hated. the thing is - i can't. i cannot find a single thing that i have done that i would do differently. i have worked hard at my job. i have been fair at my job. i have treated my boyfriend like my manager when it was appropriate and i have treated everyone with respect. i did not deserve this.

and that's what makes it hurt more.

i don't want to work anymore. i don't want to be in college anymore. i don't ever want to talk to any of them again.

(i know it's dramatic. i'll be over it soon enough.)
(i just can't help it right now.)

You shouldn't be friends with your co-workers and you definitely shouldn't date one of them.
People will always find a way to spoil your good mood.

espanish

Mi casa es cálida. Estoy a gusto aquí. Mi vieja cama es la misma. Nada ha cambiado aquí. Cuando me acuesta en este cuarto, soy la persona que yo estaba en el verano. Extraño esa chica. Yo no sé por qué. Ella no estaba contenta. Muchas veces, ella lloraba porque la vida era demasiada.

Yo no sé por qúe yo la extrañe tanto, pero es dificil pensar en quien yo era. Solamente hace tres meses, viví en esta casa y no pude imaginar la abilidad por salir para universidad. Pero todo cambia. Especialmente esto. Especialmente yo.

La verdad es que a veces todavía es difícil para mí. Todavía no he encontrado a la persona que quiero ser.

My view outside the window of my dorm is beautiful, especially at night, and it's a strange feeling to know that I am no longer at home but living in a place with another person who, despite her lack of cleanliness, is very much compatible with me. I never thought I'd end up here, truly. I was in love with Indiana University. For years, I was prepared to be a Hoosier. Every time I go to Bloomington, I remember why I loved it in the first place. My high-school self would never have believed me, had she known how I'd end up here and how I'd end up happy.

Today is a good day, and I realized that I don't need to do anything for it to be a good day. My boyfriend is out of town, but it's pleasing to know I can still have these nice days without him. I rely on him too much as it is. I woke up to Dillon watching Arrested Development because he slept on my bean bag last night. We stayed up until four in the morning playing different versions of Pokemon. He helped me defeat the gym leader in Goldenrod, that bitch, and he let me choose a Mudkip as his starter Pokemon based solely on the fact that it's adorable.

It's strange, waking up here, because I spend so much time sleeping at my boyfriend's. But it's nice, it's very nice. I need to do it more. I like opening my curtains, letting in the sunlight, and sitting at my desk at the window on this laptop. I have my midterm on Thursday, and I love trying to do it but really just listening to Hannah's intense watching of Gossip Girl.

My grades are good. My friendships are good. My relationship is good. I'm really starting to feel like I belong here.

I don't want to be poetic,
but I need a way to organize my thoughts that makes sense.

On the other hand, it's not like I'm poetic anyway.
Rhymes are for squares.

1. Forgetting about the worries that plague me works just about as well as when I try to use a pair of fucking chopsticks.

3. I haven't been sleeping much lately and I know it's not by choice, at night, anyway. During the day, it's hard for me to focus on anything except how low my energy level has dropped. Living feels like a pointless waste of energy sometimes. I'm waiting for the candid camera to come out and be like, "We're just fucking with you here. You're actually not this shitty of a person. You are able to overcome yourself."

4. I feel trapped in this dorm on this campus in this town. I cannot live here when I am older. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. Driving back home from Bloomington was like feeling open air on you arm after your cast is taken off. It was liberating, and this place is suffocating. It surprised me, the way this hit me on my way home Saturday night, because I've never felt anything like it before - I am outgrowing Terre Haute, Indiana. Instead of wanting to be back home, I was worried that going to college here was going to trap me here. I am bigger than this place and I hope that nothing is going to stop me from getting out when I find a better fit.

5. I am sorry that I have grown to rely on you as much as I do. I don't know if it's healthy, but I need you to keep going. I need you for the rest of my life. It absolutely terrifies me.

6. I am so tired of finding flaws in things. I am so tired of worrying about things that are not happening. I am so tired of being consumed by things that make me less of the person I want to be. It's exhausting. It's heartbreaking.

Maybe I should tuck myself in and get some sleep.