It is four.

I suppose that, no matter the effort I put forth to smother it inside of me, I will always be inexplicably, inescapably selfish. I say this not as an evaluation of my self-esteem but as simple fact. Not deceptive, that's a different thing. But selfish, yes, and manipulative, maybe so. I don't think I'll ever be able to trick myself into behaving otherwise.

It's not an excuse for some of the things I do. It's not a justification. It's merely a reason. I always have a reason, even when I don't realize it until later; a good reason, though, not always. Even people I love, I cannot always say, "I would inconvenience myself to benefit you." That's not who I am, and for seventeen years, I've tried to be selfless. But, because I am also weak, I am not selfless. I am not even outwardly selfless. If I had been, my life would be different, and people would think that I am better than I really am.

Well, maybe they do, but I like to think that they see me for who I am, but they just choose to focus on the good.

But that's okay, and not in the sense that it's acceptable rather than I am accepting it in order to grow. I am selfish, and that's okay, because someday, I'll learn when to use it as a strength and when to control it as my weakness. Someday, I'll learn to balance my self-driven attitude and my immense capacity to care for other people. Because I can, and I do, and I do too much sometimes.  But everyone has their flaws and these are mine. Maybe embracing them is the only way to conquer them. Who knows.

I'm tired. It's late. Let's talk later.