This Year.

Last year, I referred to my love life as "a crime scene." This year has been nothing like last year. This year, my love life took an entirely new road.

I am far from perfect. I do things wrong every day; however, I am made of good intentions and I spend every single moment trying to learn from myself and the people around me. I am better than I was last year. I am wiser, and I am stronger, and I am happier. Here I am, two weeks from the new year, and I have all the potential in the world with Isaias for 2013 looming ahead.

This is what I have learned:


1. To be emotionally invested is vital. When you are lonely, temptation may lead you down the roads you swore you’d never take. You may find yourself kissing someone you never thought you’d kiss, and you will swear to the stars that it’s all in good fun; however, eventually, you will start to desire more of a connection. Instead of a kiss, a smile will linger just as sweetly on your lips. You will stop thinking about his eyes and start thinking about his heart, and you will realize that this is not enough. Nothing has meaning without emotion. When you create this kind of thing for yourself, you will feel empty when he is around because you have taken the brilliance of intimacy and made a travesty of it. To behave in such a manner without the basis of an emotional connection is not satisfying; instead, is objectifying. It yields merely a hollow heart and a distorted perception of your self-worth.

2. To be physically invested is vital too. Just as it is easy to fall into traps when you are lonely, it is also easy to fall into traps when you are not. When you meet someone who cares about your mind and your spirit, you find comfort in the chilly air of self-doubt by wrapping yourself in the passion-soaked words of another. Of course I want someone to believe that I am beautiful. Of course I want someone to see me as the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be; however, a point in time comes where emotional connection has reached a standstill and something else must coincide. At some point, in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you must reach past the things you can express in words and start showing someone how much they mean to you.

3. You cannot be afraid to initiate. No one thoroughly enjoys putting themselves out there without a guarantee of getting a return. Be it a confession of feelings or even the start of an argument, to speak what is on your mind and not to know the coming response is unsettling; however, this is no excuse to sit back and let everyone else make things happen in your life for you. You are not so important that people are going to fight for you if you can not fight for yourself. You are not so wonderful that people will accept the way that you treat them without question because they want you in their lives. You have to hold your own end. You have to tell someone what you think, what you feel, or what you want. The only person you have to blame if things do not play out how you want is yourself unless you do something. Refusal to take a stand implies apathy. It implies giving up, and you know for a fact that you never give up. Don't be afraid - you'll be better for it in the end.

4. You should never waste your time trying to convince someone that they should be with you. When you develop feelings for someone, the most interesting thing happens: you glorify them. You pardon their faults and glorify their feats. When you meet someone with commitment issues, they are easy to ignore at first. You can make up excuses: they may have had a rough family life. They may be jaded or guarded or a number of things in combination; however, you must stop fighting blindly when things are at a standstill. You cannot force someone to be with you, and trying to convince someone otherwise leaves you feeling like you are worth absolutely nothing. Instead of finding someone to make you happy, you spend your time trudging on, hating yourself all the while Despite whatever you may think, you are always worth it to somebody. If someone wants to drag you along through an endless maze of emotions, then they have emotional issues that you are not required to deal with. To be with you is a privilege, and you have to remember that. Someday, you will find someone, and they will love you easily. “You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.”