Drabble.

Oh, anxiety, I am so angry with you. I never thought that could happen, being angry with a concept. You're right up there with love and hatred - you can't be wholly defined universally. You mean a different thing to everyone. 

I mean, you've got your dining chairs and your bean bag chairs and your comfy dad chairs, but a chair is always a chair. No one will ever know if the way that I perceive love is the same as their own perception. 

The same goes with you, anxiety. You're not real. You're not a concrete object, but you are the force that works against me everyday like gravity, which, by the way, is apparently not a downward force, this universe is a lie. 

Maybe I shouldn't be awake reading theories about outer space but maybe I could also learn a few lessons from my perception of anxiety. Let's jumble these two together and make a blog post, yeah?

(What does that even mean? Jesus Christ, Einstein, you're long dead and you still stop me in my tracks. This is why it's a compliment to call someone an "Einstein" but using my last name as an adjective would entail nothing more than a disorganized concoction of about five of the seven deadly sins and also bad jokes. 

Alright. Fuck physics, fuck astronomy, fuck Einstein. Gravity is either a downward force or a distortion of the shape of space-time, or maybe it's neither, and some new smart cookie will come out and say, "No, gravity has been this all along" and everyone will want to buy baby foods with his or her name on it. That doesn't matter. 

But anxiety is more than just a perception. It's like this: love doesn't exist in the concrete and physical sense, but if you ask me if love is real, I'll tell you damn straight. And you'll ask me how I know, and I'll tell you that I can feel it. 

But I can't point it out to you: I can't tell you that love is feeling stubble against your cheek because you might not like facial hair. I can't tell you that love is your boyfriend trying extremely hard to make a pun from "Sleeping Beauty" that will always be redundant because that might not be your sense of humor. 

But is it real? Is it just as real as a bean bag chair? Of course it's real! 

Or time! Time doesn't exist - clocks exist. But yet we have minutes and hours and days and all of those are composed of seconds and we call it all "time" even though we can't really define it or weigh it or poke it with a stick. We are dependent on the confines of time because we need its structure to give our tiny, finite existence meaning in a seemingly infinite universe. We need time to exist, so it does.

But love, time, hatred, all of those things can be just as concrete as that unfashionable bean bag chair. Do people even buy those anymore? They can weigh on your chest just as heavy as anything else. They can suffocate us. 

The same goes with anxiety. I wish it were something that was easy to define. I suppose, put simply, it's fear. But it is more than fear. It is when you take fear and you turn it into a state of being. 

For me, my anxiety often focuses on dying young. But I'm not afraid to die young, no more than anyone else in the world. But my anxiety allowed that small little flicker of awareness of my own mortality to turn into a wildfire. My body basically really, really fucking sucks as a firefighter. My body needs to be fired from the squad.

It is hard to struggle every day with something that doesn't exist. When you cut your arm open, you can see it. You can see the blood coming out of the open wound. With anxiety, it's easier to dismiss. Your body is perfectly fine. No one expects there to be anything wrong with you. Sometimes, people don't even believe you. It is not something that makes your heart stop beating but anxiety can definitely kill you. 

Anxiety might not exist in a physical sense, but if you were to ask me if it is real, I would say damn straight. I know what it is to me, and to me, it is probably the most durable, concrete, hard-as-hell-to-destroy thing I have ever come across.

Anxiety is a downward force, if you ask me. Or maybe it's a distortion of the shape of space-time. It may even just be the subject of the sloppy musings of a young woman in the middle of a sleepless night. I'm not intelligent enough to make that call. 

L is for the way you look at me.

By accident, I ended up on Joe's Facebook page today. Naturally, this lead to a re-reading of every conversation we ever had on that social network. I read them backward, though, and it was strange. It's astounding how differently we talked to each other when things were starting. Backward, you'd think you were witnessing the formation of a friendship when you're really just rewinding the downfall of a relationship that never really was.

When we first found out we liked each other, we lost sleep for those pages of late-night text messages. I used to stay up late reading, my phone turned on high in case you had a nightmare and woke up at four like you sometimes did. You made me a playlist and called me Syfy, which I always thought was adorable. When we were trying to figure out where the other stood, we put so much effort into conversation. Our end was bland and dull. We met on the last day of September in 2011, and by the time fall of 2012 rolled around, you knew all of my favorite songs and mannerisms. I already knew where you were born and the way your voice sounded when you were tired.

I gathered only one thing from it, one single but one extremely important thing: friendship is necessary. When we met, we both knew what we were working toward: we were interested in each other from the get go, and even though our relationship involved absolutely no physical connection, we were defined by our status as almost-together. And so, because Haley thinks about the past present future endlessly, she has decided that the mess she cleaned up a long time ago still holds a lesson to be learned, a tale to be told: no matter how much passion you have, no matter how a many romantic nights you have under the stars or movie days spent tangled in limbs and sheets, you have absolutely nothing without a friendship underneath it all.

Eventually, that passion will evolve. Eventually, after that fire has burned away, you are left with love, the warm and flickering glow of love. It's like this: yes, tsunami can topple a city in a instant, but the steady splash of the waves on the rock goes on forever, shifting and eroding the earth with time. It's that subtlety, that quiet connection after the storm has passed and the seas are calm that allows a relationship to continue.

Friendship, not atop the love you share but laced within it, is the only way to find something eternal. So talk. Laugh. Tell stories about your childhood and act like a complete fool. There's a good chance that those memories will be the ones that never leave.

Semicentennial post!

Last night, I spent a few hours with Isaias. I treated him to dinner because, as I said, it was the least that I could do. We had a wonderful evening. I always have wonderful evenings when he is there; no matter what we do, the memory of his presence gives me something to smile like an idiot about while drifting off to sleep. I stayed out late, far past my curfew, because I was too busy muttering all of the things I love about him between kisses to go home. My priorities are askew and I have no desire to change that. As much fun as I have kissing him for very immoderate amount of time, however, I need to listen to him talk more. About himself, about anything really. I love learning about this wonderful boyfriend of mine. I love learning about anything that crosses the mind of this wonderful boyfriend of mine. No matter the relevancy, I more or less hang onto his every word.

Later on, when he said, "If you fall asleep, I might be forced to cuddle with you," I wished for a moment that I could have. But I cannot think about things like that because it's so soon and I cannot let myself get too involved too quickly. That's how I get hurt. I always find a way to get hurt, but I'm determined to do everything I'm capable of to keep this wonderful thing going. I would not easily forgive myself for ruining something like this with someone like him. I just... I am at a loss for words when I think about him. The only thing I know is that I could never get enough of how I feel when he smiles in the middle of a kiss.

Tonight, I spent time with Taylor after work. We watched Pitch Perfect and ate at Panera Bread, and we talked a lot about relationships. I wish I knew what to say to Taylor when she talked about how she felt. She talks of loneliness and empty wishes, and I wish I could change it for her. Taylor has her flaws just like anyone else, but she still has so much good in her. I wish someone else would see it too, someone whose opinion mattered in a differently than mine. I know it's different to hear compliments fall from the lips of someone who wants to kiss you than from one of your friends. I want her to find someone. When I talk about Isaias to her, she smiles and asks me questions, but I think she does so because she knows I like it when she does. I want her to find someone that she wants to ramble endlessly about because it's a lovely feeling when you meet someone like that and all you want to do is tell the entire world how great he is.

Taylor deserves to be loved. I hope that she finds someone soon, even if it's not the one she ends up with, who gives her a little taste of what that feels like. Personally, I've never been in love, but I'm sure it's something that changes you. I'm sure that, just as it has the potential to ruin you, it can also help you realize things about yourself. She doesn't need to change who she is, but she needs to change her perspective on who she is. I don't want her to be the type of person who gives up hope for love at such a young age. It makes me sad that she doesn't think she's valuable enough because I really do love her. Ideally, I wish she'd realize her value on her own, but that is not happening. Friendship can only do so much damage control.

While I was waiting at a stoplight on Wabash today, I glanced over at Coffee Grounds, and I saw Colin and a friend stepping outside. Colin was wearing the flannel he always wears, and as he stopped on the stairs leading to the upstairs apartments to smoke a cigarette, I felt like I was watching my own memories play in front of me. So many times I stood on that same stoop with him as he smoked those same cigarettes in that same flannel. He put his Jones soda on one of the stairs, that blue flavor he loves, and I remembered all of the times we read the bottle cap fortunes to each other. My life has changed entirely since the countless nights I spent sitting outside of Coffee Grounds listening to people discuss politics or sex or anything at all. Driving home with the windows down listening to "Time to Pretend" by MGMT. Texting Colin "drive safely" and timing my route home perfectly so I could leave at the last possible moment (11:52, always).

I give no thought to that little slice of downtown when I drive by it anymore, and those berry lemonade sodas don't have the same appeal that they used to. I continue to think about that moment, though, because it irks me. I have moved on from that phase of my life, and all of the things about those nights have little meaning to me anymore. I am so different than who I was when I signed that brick inside the building, and I am certain that, naturally, Colin has changed a lot too since we last talked. That's what life does. But that moment I witnessed will stand in contradiction of reality. That brief and probably insignificant flash of just another Saturday night with just another cigarette in his hand is a perfect representation of the Colin that is frozen in my mind. Isn't that strange how this commitment to memory defies reason?

I have to get up early, and I should be sleeping.

Fluff.

I used to be so poetic, but these days, I stay up too late and decide in the middle of the night to take things that don't matter and turn them into shallow, empty sentences. I am tired, too tired for this text box, but I cannot sleep, so I sit here and continue to fill it with nothing. I wish I had something substantial to say.

dos mil y doce.

2012 is over. The very thought of that is strange. But you know me - before I move onto the next year, I must first run 2012 dry. So let's go over some of the most important - and some that are not so much - things that happened this past year.

In school, a lot actually happened.  I joined National Honor Society in January. I also joined Link Crew in May. I finished up my junior year ranked 13 in my class with a GPA of 3.9 and began my senior year this fall. I became president of Latin club last year and still am this year. I was nominated - though I did not win - to represent Indiana in a national writing contest. I got accepted into IU Bloomington. I got accepted into ISU and their honors program. I got invited to interview for the presidential scholarship there, but that happens in February. I also went to prom. That was a lot of fun.

Now, what about family and friends? Well, unfortunately, my grandmother died in May of this year. My great aunt died in December as well, though I hardly knew her. My brother and Colleen are going to have a baby this coming June, and if it's a girl, they want to name her Norah. Raven and I stopped being friends, but I think we're starting to reconcile a little. I started work at Baskin Robbins this year too. That job was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I have seven reasons for that: Emily, Daniel, Isaias, Katelyn, Emma, Taylor, and Lauren.

My love life jumped around completely. I began the year with Joseph Gonzales. I broke up with him in the summer. He won me back. He broke up with me in the fall. During the period where we were not together, I had Colin. Good old Colin. I should never have let that happen. At the end of December, I went on few dates with Isaias, and I ended the year with him as my official boyfriend. I'd say that was a positive note.

A lot of  bad things happened this year, but a lot of good things did too. Let's hope 2013 continues this upward streak.

This Year.

Last year, I referred to my love life as "a crime scene." This year has been nothing like last year. This year, my love life took an entirely new road.

I am far from perfect. I do things wrong every day; however, I am made of good intentions and I spend every single moment trying to learn from myself and the people around me. I am better than I was last year. I am wiser, and I am stronger, and I am happier. Here I am, two weeks from the new year, and I have all the potential in the world with Isaias for 2013 looming ahead.

This is what I have learned:


1. To be emotionally invested is vital. When you are lonely, temptation may lead you down the roads you swore you’d never take. You may find yourself kissing someone you never thought you’d kiss, and you will swear to the stars that it’s all in good fun; however, eventually, you will start to desire more of a connection. Instead of a kiss, a smile will linger just as sweetly on your lips. You will stop thinking about his eyes and start thinking about his heart, and you will realize that this is not enough. Nothing has meaning without emotion. When you create this kind of thing for yourself, you will feel empty when he is around because you have taken the brilliance of intimacy and made a travesty of it. To behave in such a manner without the basis of an emotional connection is not satisfying; instead, is objectifying. It yields merely a hollow heart and a distorted perception of your self-worth.

2. To be physically invested is vital too. Just as it is easy to fall into traps when you are lonely, it is also easy to fall into traps when you are not. When you meet someone who cares about your mind and your spirit, you find comfort in the chilly air of self-doubt by wrapping yourself in the passion-soaked words of another. Of course I want someone to believe that I am beautiful. Of course I want someone to see me as the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be; however, a point in time comes where emotional connection has reached a standstill and something else must coincide. At some point, in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you must reach past the things you can express in words and start showing someone how much they mean to you.

3. You cannot be afraid to initiate. No one thoroughly enjoys putting themselves out there without a guarantee of getting a return. Be it a confession of feelings or even the start of an argument, to speak what is on your mind and not to know the coming response is unsettling; however, this is no excuse to sit back and let everyone else make things happen in your life for you. You are not so important that people are going to fight for you if you can not fight for yourself. You are not so wonderful that people will accept the way that you treat them without question because they want you in their lives. You have to hold your own end. You have to tell someone what you think, what you feel, or what you want. The only person you have to blame if things do not play out how you want is yourself unless you do something. Refusal to take a stand implies apathy. It implies giving up, and you know for a fact that you never give up. Don't be afraid - you'll be better for it in the end.

4. You should never waste your time trying to convince someone that they should be with you. When you develop feelings for someone, the most interesting thing happens: you glorify them. You pardon their faults and glorify their feats. When you meet someone with commitment issues, they are easy to ignore at first. You can make up excuses: they may have had a rough family life. They may be jaded or guarded or a number of things in combination; however, you must stop fighting blindly when things are at a standstill. You cannot force someone to be with you, and trying to convince someone otherwise leaves you feeling like you are worth absolutely nothing. Instead of finding someone to make you happy, you spend your time trudging on, hating yourself all the while Despite whatever you may think, you are always worth it to somebody. If someone wants to drag you along through an endless maze of emotions, then they have emotional issues that you are not required to deal with. To be with you is a privilege, and you have to remember that. Someday, you will find someone, and they will love you easily. “You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.”

Last Year.

Last year, on my old blog, I wrote five things that I learned about love in that year. Soon, I will post entirely new ones; however, in order to move forward, we must learn from the past. Here are the five from 2011. If you so desire, you may read them here: