I talk too much. Especially about you.

I return to school tomorrow, and it genuinely pains me to think about it. I wish I were as motivated as I used to be. I have to start fresh tomorrow. I know I always say that and seldom does it happen that way, but I've got no choice.

I spent New Year's Eve with Isaias, and I am in the mood to discuss it now. We watched Dr. Who and Scrubs and spent a lot of time ignoring Dr. Who and Scrubs. The only reason we knew it was midnight was because both of our phones vibrated. We had better things to do.

While we were sitting on my couch, he talked a little about college. I already knew a general description of why he never finished - a money issue - but really nothing else. I always wanted to ask, but I never wanted him to feel like I was trying to send him an underlying message, to persuade him to go back or anything.

So I asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" He said culinary school, maybe, but I'm not sure he knows really. And that's okay.

Later, I asked, "Does it bother you that you didn't finish college?"

He said, "All the time."

At that moment, that strangely light-hearted but vulnerable moment, I realized that there might be other things he really dislikes about himself. And if that's true, it breaks my heart.

I still think he's brilliant. It never bothered me because it changed absolutely nothing about him in my mind. Obviously I am biased, but I could not imagine anything better than this adorable person who finds actual enjoyment in Pokemon cards and speaks entirely in ridiculous puns. There is nothing more I could ask for, and a college degree or lack thereof is not going to change that.

I wonder, if I ever give him this blog, if he would think how much I have to say about him is creepy. I hope not. Truly, I'm not in love with him. I'm not obsessed with him. I am just in awe of him, but not in an unhealthy way.

I play it off with a laugh a lot of the time, but truly, I have very little confidence in myself. I see the best in other people but the worst in me. I go through periods of time where I despise myself, and I have had the worst luck with men that I could ever imagine. From Cameron, who told me I was worthless on a regular basis, to Joe, who gave me a year of empty excuses and a wounded psyche, I can't help but feel sometimes like I deserved all the terrible things that those people did to me. I have a hard time grasping the fact that I am with someone like Isaias.

I am having a hard time wrapping myself around the idea that I could deserve someone like Isaias. I hope as he gets to know me better, he will not think the same way I do about myself. I hope that I'm the one with the distorted perspective.

He said to me on my couch last night, "You're wonderful, fantastic even." I'll let those words sit, let them echo through the corridors of my sleep-deprived mind for a while. Lord knows I need the comfort.

If 2013 gives me anything, anything at all in this year of inevitable shifts and breaks in my foundation, let Isaias be a constant.