I spend most moments of every day worrying about things I know, in the logical part of my brain, probably won't happen. It's getting stronger, though, and it's harder to tell myself that these thoughts of mine a re some sort of self-created paranoia. When I get any kind of bruise, bump, ache, or pain in my body, my mind creates this delusion: "oh my god, you're sick. You're dying." It keeps me from thinking of anything else.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I'm a sack of crazy.
And I thought it would be okay. When I went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health, I was so relieved. I thought I would be okay because my body was okay. Then, alarmingly quickly, everything else started to make me afraid - my friends go on trips, and I worry they'll crash their car. I drive during rush hour, and out of the corners of my eyes, I see every little thing that could happen to me. I worry about my parents and my friends and myself in other situations now, too, because my health is fine.
That's when I realized that it isn't my body. It's never been my body. My mind is the one that's crippled, and I don't know how to keep talking myself out of these states because there are no panic attacks to accompany them. There are no outbursts of anxiety - it's more muted than sharp, but it is still constantly there looming over me, and I can't find any kind of relief from it.
Every once in a while, I go through this, and for a few months, it creates this wall in my mind between myself and the real world. I can't find a way to escape it. I know it will happen sometime, but right now I just need to be alright again.
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