Sigh

Everything in my life is going perfectly. I cannot imagine anything else I could want or need. My best friends are beautiful people who keep me laughing and keep me grounded. My boyfriend is a wonderful man who makes me feel like I'm something special. My family loves me so much and they do everything for me. My grades are perfectly fine, better than fine really. My scholarship interview went well,
and there is really nothing in general wrong with my life. I am happy, so happy. I am happier than I think I've ever been.

How long will this last, though? Those are the holes I've been poking into things. Khala and Taylor light up my life and soon we will all split up for college. I will fill my weekends with people who I am sure are wonderful. But they won't be Khala or Taylor. They won't be Tyler. They won't say "twerkeando" or tell everyone who will listen the embarrassing things I used to do in sixth grade. Maybe this change will be good for me, but the thought of it honestly breaks my heart.

Isaias is so perfect. I spent Valentine's Day with him, and this is turning into the best relationship I've ever had. He makes me so happy, and it astounds me that this happiness does not come with strange conditions or restrictions. We are just together, and it doesn't have to be any simpler or more complicated than that. Being with him is so easy and I could see myself doing it for a long time. But that's what worries me. If I get this scholarship, I have four years invested in this town. What if he doesn't want to stay here that long? What if he goes to college somewhere else? What if he decides that settling down with his first real girlfriend isn't what he wants to do? These are the things I worry about all the time when I shouldn't. It's too soon. But I'm so scared that all this happiness will end in heartbreak.

And my family. Look at my dad and look at how he coughs in his sleep. Someday, someday probably sooner than my mom, he is going to die. His cigarettes are going to kill him.


After writing that sentence, I don't even want to talk anymore. Goodnight.