Crack the shutters open wide, I want to bathe you in the light of day / and just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body / I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute / 'cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

I try to give you the benefit of the doubt but you're just a fair-weathered, self-centered person. You think you're going to shake the earth but you really can't even make water ripple in a glass. I'm tired of hearing about your problems all the time. I wanted to help you at first, and I tried for a long time, but now I realize that you created your own crap.

So much snow.

Here's the thing - I am happy, so happy. I don't know when it happened and I don't know how long it will last, but I am unable to form the right phrases to capture the way that my life has evolved over the past couple of years. 

I think about Taylor, and I cannot imagine a life without her. I spend almost all of my free time with her, and I have never felt a more loyal and genuine friendship than I do with her. And, on the other end of the spectrum, I have Khala. Very rarely do I spend time with her outside of school, but it's been a long time since I questioned my friendship with her. We have a decade of built up stories and jokes unique to the two of us, and no one else has such a rich history in my life. I have other friends, but the two of them always stand out above the rest. Isaias is the newest addition to my life, and the sweetest decision I've made since I chose not to go to that weird GT school. I'm happy to be a part of his life as a friend and ecstatic to be his girlfriend. I'm honestly overwhelmed sometimes that a person can be the way he is and be mine at the same time. I love my job, I love my life, and I love the people in it. And yet:

I thought that things would get better inside my head when I was happier and less stressed. I find myself thinking about how lucky I am to have all of these external forces working in my favor, but I have realized recently that I am my biggest impediment in life. I can't control the horrible anxiety I feel anymore. I used to be able to rationalize everything and instill some reason into my paranoia. Now, however, I am powerless to these thoughts that embed themselves into my brain and convince me of these horrible things that are, in all likelihood, never going to come close to reality. I have no effect over my own brain anymore. It's terrifying, being out of control of the way that I think in such a way. All I want to do is to be able to cling to the happiness that I have in my life without these constant looming worries. 

It's exhausting. I'd do anything to make it stop.

Late late late.

I'm at home when I should be in anatomy because I was too embarrassed to walk in and say, "Hey, I stayed up way too late worrying that I had a brain tumor, so I overslept, and also my mom lost my keys, so." Honestly, I should probably be there taking notes, but I just couldn't do it.

I need to see someone this summer. I can't go to college with this kind of mentality. I think about dying constantly, so much so I'm afraid I won't even be able to live a happy life during a time where I'm going to school for free, living with someone I like, and working somewhere I love with people I adore.

I hate this feeling. I hate this constant looming doubt that I'm healthy. And when it's not health, it's something else. Maybe talking to someone will help me.

But honestly, I'm more scared that it won't. Then I'm stuck with this crippling fear that's so bad I can't even go give blood because I'm too scared they'll find something wrong with me and I never could try out for sports, even when I thought I wanted to, because that involved getting a physical and that was too traumatic for me.

I really do need help.