I think about Taylor, and I cannot imagine a life without her. I spend almost all of my free time with her, and I have never felt a more loyal and genuine friendship than I do with her. And, on the other end of the spectrum, I have Khala. Very rarely do I spend time with her outside of school, but it's been a long time since I questioned my friendship with her. We have a decade of built up stories and jokes unique to the two of us, and no one else has such a rich history in my life. I have other friends, but the two of them always stand out above the rest. Isaias is the newest addition to my life, and the sweetest decision I've made since I chose not to go to that weird GT school. I'm happy to be a part of his life as a friend and ecstatic to be his girlfriend. I'm honestly overwhelmed sometimes that a person can be the way he is and be mine at the same time. I love my job, I love my life, and I love the people in it. And yet:
I thought that things would get better inside my head when I was happier and less stressed. I find myself thinking about how lucky I am to have all of these external forces working in my favor, but I have realized recently that I am my biggest impediment in life. I can't control the horrible anxiety I feel anymore. I used to be able to rationalize everything and instill some reason into my paranoia. Now, however, I am powerless to these thoughts that embed themselves into my brain and convince me of these horrible things that are, in all likelihood, never going to come close to reality. I have no effect over my own brain anymore. It's terrifying, being out of control of the way that I think in such a way. All I want to do is to be able to cling to the happiness that I have in my life without these constant looming worries.
It's exhausting. I'd do anything to make it stop.
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