I want to curl up into a ball and cry until this fucking presence is gone from me.

Sometimes I feel like I would rather live a year in peace from this and die before my life even begins than live like this until I'm old. I know that's what I'm afraid of, but Jesus Christ, I'm so sick of living in fear. It's literally driving me insane. 

I feel like I am about to shatter into pieces. I feel like I keep shattering into pieces, over and over again, and I keep sweeping myself up and trying to put myself back together but I'm ugly now. Everything inside of me is so ugly. And I'm getting tired and I'm getting lazy because I can't keep this up. The pieces break more every time but I can only do it so much before I am pulverized and beyond repair.

There are times these days where I wish I wasn't even alive anymore. I don't want to kill myself by any means, but I don't know why some creator, or whatever original cells even bothered to keep on dividing because my DNA is riddled with nonsense. I am riddled with nonsense. Congratulations, deoxyribonucleic acid, your cytosine and guanine and adenine and thymine have added up to be this bullshit of a person right here.

I feel like Jonas in The Giver. I didn't ask to have this stuff in my thoughts. I don't want to think this way. I just want to be blissful and ignorant and Jesus Christ I just want to be happy. I can't handle it anymore. Every single one of these episodes drags me closer and closer to desperation and madness. 

I fucking hate this.