I've never had a panic attack like this before. I don't know what to do except blog about it because I can't talk to anyone because how the hell do I take someone I care about and drag them into this? Besides, you're the only one awake and how could I do this to you again?

I've never had a panic attack before but this must be what they feel like. I'm trying to talk myself down from it.

I just want my mom but she's not here.

I want to throw up. I can't stop shaking. I have never felt this before. My normal abstract sense of fear has been replaced by pure, centralized terror. I have never been more afraid in my life.

I have never hated myself or my life more than I do right now. This is too much for me. I cannot handle this. I cannot fucking handle this.

I keep almost throwing up and my throat burns and my head hurts and fuck what I would give to be anyone, absolutely anyone but myself right now. I hate myself. I am the worst possible outcome for a human being. I have the whole world out in front of me but I can't even leave my own mind to bask in it.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this, fuck all of this.