Be okay be okay be okay today

I'm trying really hard to trust you by ignoring the constant voice in the back of my head telling me to be fine for you. You're the first person who I don't feel like I have to do that for. It's a foreign feeling, and I'm afraid that in becoming too reliant on it.

I'm immensely sorry you have to know who I really am. 

I always put myself in your place. If you were going through what I am right now, if you were battling something I could not possibly fix or understand, I would feel powerless. It would be irrational, but I would feel like I was not doing my job. 

God, I hope that's not how you feel. No one's ever been as good as you are to me. I hope you never think that you do not make me happy. If I found out my problems were making you feel like you were any less than the perfect person you are, it would genuinely break my heart.

(But I hope you'd be honest with me, if it was too much. My heart can take another hit.)

This is a struggle for me. If you were anyone else, you'd never know about this. I'd put on my brave face and be silly because that's who I know how to be. But I don't want to lie to you, and at the same time, I don't want to be too much for you. I would hate myself if who I am ever drove you away. I couldn't stand it. I could probably handle losing you eventually, if I really had to, for almost any reason except for this one.

I just need to go to bed. I'm sick of the conscious world. I feel like the Doctor Who depiction of Vincent Van Gogh, for Christ's sake. I'm a dramatic mess.

Too bad I don't have the ability to paint. Man I'd be so rich these days.

I am using comic relief to paint an end picture of hopefulness because dammit someday I will be okay. I have to be. I have to be for me and for you.