If this day could be concretely represented, I would total my car smashing into it and pay completely out of pocket for a new one.

And I'm sorry. This day has just been horrible and I wasn't in a very good state of mind as it was. I was late for my math class because god forbid I ever do anything except drive my ass around until it's too late to find a parking spot. I can't stand my roommate sometimes. I just want to cry because everything is happening and I'm going to class wrong and I'm snapping at my boyfriend for pointing out that I'm the shittiest cake decorator in the world when I shouldn't even care because I already knew that and I am at work and I just want to cry because I feel horrible because today was horrible and because I just am not happy today. I haven't had a day like this in a while.

I just wanna cry some more por favor~

I need a way to get my thoughts out of my head but putting them on here makes
them less of a secret.

I hate being tired because being tired makes me sensitive.

I need a way to get my thoughts out of my head but I don't want them to be in a place like this.

I am uncomfortable with who I am.

My phone notepad can better hold this one. I'll be happy again in the morning, but I need to be alone tonight with my mind.

I want sleep.

culture shock

To you - I wish you were here. Not here, specifically, but I wish you were in the same place that I am. I want you to have a happy life, and I worry about you.

-

I want to like living here, but I'm homesick for a place that's five minutes away. I'm tired of walking around campus and being asked to be involved in things because I worry about losing the things I had before I moved here. I miss what I had with Isaias this summer. I miss feeling at home where I am supposed to live. This little room is so cozy and it's easy to walk around with a laptop and talk to new people, but I miss feeling comfortable. I don't want to worry about classes and friendships and my relationship.

I'm terrified. That's what it all comes down to. This is too much for me to be here and be a freshman in college. I miss my job. I miss my boyfriend. I miss being at home and I would start crying if my roommate and her friend were not here with me. I like this place but I hate it here. It hurts to be here.

I haven't even seen Isaias since I moved in. I know it was a few days ago, but move-in day to me feels like weeks ago. I used to see him all the time and I'm one day into classes and already worrying about our schedules conflicting too much to stay together. There is no way for me to fix the way I feel about that.

I saw Khala and Taylor earlier, but I am jealous of them. I got a full-ride scholarship and I should be so proud of myself. But instead, I feel trapped on this campus. They're going to get out and get apartments and start to move on and I'm trapped on this campus and it just makes me want to study abroad and forget about everyone here for literally no reason because everyone is great to me and all I'm doing right now is freaking the fuck out.

I feel like my life as I knew it from the time I was born until this weekend ended and now I'm in an entirely new one and I liked my life. I wasn't ready for it to end and yes I know it's supposed to be better but fuck you I don't care.


I want to sleep or to cry or to all of the above.

what the fuck is this my heart is done

I could go line by line why I fucking love this video but Jesus Christ that would take the beauty out of it.

And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.

How can it be a mistake that I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her?

Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once—he doesn’t care if it’s perfect!

I watched this video three times and I want to tell my mom and my boyfriend and my friends about this video and force them to watch it and stare at them while they watch it but I won't because I don't know if they'll see the beauty in this that I do and that will ruin it for me.

And yet some of the youtube comments are like this. "I see all the females in the comments get so gooey about how "romantic" this is, to know how much destruction they leave behind when they dump someone."

Excuse you. You want romance? Go watch Letters to Juliet twice in three days like I did last week. This is not romantic. This is someone taking the jagged edges of a heartbreak and turning it into something poetic, and that's what makes it beautiful, the capability to take something that breaks your heart and make it something that leaves an impact on others. That does not make it romantic. Romance is romantic, and this is not romance. This is someone trying to take an ugly, hideous, complicated thing, and simplify it into the sentences that made people gasp and cry and ache along with him.

Maybe you don't see the beauty in it that I see, that millions of people, male and female, have seen via the internet. That's not my problem. He accomplished one of the hardest things to do when he wrote that - subtlety. It's always been my biggest problem in writing - it's really hard when you want to convey a certain amount of emotion not to leave it up to the reader to travel down that path. But he did! Maybe that's why some people just didn't feel it the way others did. Because he left it up to us. He let go of the insecurity of not being heard the way he wanted and spoke anyway, and he left it up to us, and damn, it was so beautiful.

That man could have just said, "I met a girl who made my OCD not so much of a problem anymore. But he didn't! He siad, "I don't have to wash my hands after I touch her." That man could have just said, "I have an incurable problem, and, for a while, a girl showed me what it was like to be loved anyway. Now, she's gone, and I don't know how to cope with that." But he didn't. He said "I leave the light on."

Basically that video gave me chills and I said I wasn't going to spell it out for anyone but I did anyway because I want to talk about it because it's beautiful.

1. I know it isn't something you can control, but it still sucks that I'll never be able to do the same things that you do. It makes me feel like I'm missing out.

2. I wish I made you laugh like other people make you laugh.

3. I worry about what you're going to do when I'm gone. I stress out about it more than I should. 

4. One of my biggest regrets will always be meeting you, not because you messed up some of my life but because I created a lifelong set of problems for you that you didn't deserve. I should have known better too. I'm sorry.

5. I hope college never tears us apart. You are the best friend I've ever had, and I am overwhelmingly grateful for the opportunity to know you at all. I want my children to call you "Aunt" even though we aren't related. You mean so much to me, and I hope nothing changes that.

6. You were never as bad as I made you out to be. Yes, you were irrational and a little bit crazy, but you did it out of unconditional love. I'm sorry I made you into a monster, especially when I was younger.

7. I wish you and I could be closer than I feel like you are to me sometimes. Even after all these years, I still wish we were the same when it came to trust. I always have to remind myself that we just approach things differently.

8. Even though I am genuinely excited for you and know you're capable, I worry about your taking on these new challenges because I worry that they're going to make you feel trapped and unhappy.

9. I know all I'd have to do to spend time with you is give you a call, but I still miss you like you're never in touch. 

10. I hope the flawed system does not destroy you.

enjoy the beauty in the 100th A Softer World post.

paint chippin'.

Today is not a good day.

Today is not a good day.

Today is not a good day.

I almost scared my mom into coming home from Huntington because of my behavior. My dad tried to help, but he didn't do very well. I went down into my basement and cried under the pretense that I was going to do laundry.

My mom sent my aunt over to console me.

I'm just a fucking idiot.

I need to stop talking to people about my problems. It doesn't help me. It just hurts other people.

I am so fucking tired of worrying the people I love.

in other news

I AM GENUINELY PISSED OFF THAT POKEMON IS AN ABBREVIATION FOR "POCKET MONSTERS" WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE BEEN LIED TO MY ENTIRE LIFE

I have another blog!

My Spanish professor told me that one good way to practice my Spanish was to take something I already do and start doing it in Spanish.

All summer, I tossed around ideas. I know it's just a few weeks before classes start, but I finally found something I can do to practice: blogging!

I blog all the time. For a few days, I wondered if I should start writing on here in Spanish. Then I realized: no one wants to hear all of this dumb shit in Spanish. No one even wants to hear it in English.

And alas, my Spanish blog, "Seif, Interrumpida" was born. Really, I'm going to use it to talk about Spanish-related things. I'm sure I'll use it to talk about my class or really maybe other interesting things that happen to me. But I still want this blog too because I still need a place to go and to vent my problems in a language I'm familiar with enough to express myself.

So, if you want to watch my progress over the next year, you can watch it there. If you really don't care how my Spanish is doing (and why would you? I say this like my blog has an audience at all), then you can ignore it.

I just think it's kind of fun. :)

Gross.

It was a nice week for me, feeling normal again, doing little things like curling my hair and taking naps. It's little things like that I miss most when it's bad. I never realize that they're things I need until I'm capable of nothing but crying in my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Everything ends some time, though, and I hate to admit I fell into the same little trap I fall into every time. I have not gotten any help yet. I have done nothing to better myself. Why would that mean I was any better off than I was a couple of weeks ago?

Here's the answer: it doesn't. It means that anxiety comes in spikes and relapses and honeymoon phases and I'm not going to be any better until I get help. I know I've taken the first step. I know I'm going to talk to someone in one week. I only need to make it one more week, and I'm taking the first step toward progress.

I can't help but be skeptical. I'm not saying I'm smarter than other people with the same problems, but I also think that some people are not as aware of what problems they have. I know it is a psychological issue. I know nothing I do is rational, and I still cannot stop myself. It's a self-destructive cycle of internal struggle.

I am tired of being tired.

Mostly, though, I am tired of dragging you along beside me. No matter how many times you tell me it does not bother you, it is never going to console the feeling I get every time I act like this around you. It may genuinely not even bother you, but it always ends in my feeling incredibly guilty and sad because it will never be your problem. And I should just stop if it makes me feel bad, but I can't, because having you to be there for me gives me immediate relief. I've been so involved in this selfish method of coping and I'm not doing that anymore. I kept it inside of me for seventeen years, so I can do it again for another week. You don't deserve this. You deserve me to be okay and I'm going to use all the motivation I have to do that for you. -

One week, though. I just have to get through one week. I have to get through this one week.

In other news, feel free to enjoy this song over and over and over: