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oh, blog, i am drunk and i am sad, but i am not drunk enough to express that i am sad.
that's why i have you.

1.
 i was looking at the stuffed animals i bought when we were at the zoo for your birthday. i almost forgot about them, sitting there on the bottom shelf of my bookcase. now they're soft and cute and the zoo was the last time you and i ever spent time together and it really felt okay. it's hard to believe it was that long ago. i miss you.

2.
i can't be at work for more than an hour or two anymore without feeling sad. there's a small part of me that wants to quit, but i know that i won't like it better anywhere else. i used to feel at home there. now, i stay because i need to for isaias. you quit your job, but i'm not there anymore. not really.

3.
i'm looking at the baskin robbins christmas photo from 2012, and it's genuine. more than anything, it's genuine. i won't ever forget that era. the era of daniel, of emily and emma. of a happier isaias. a happier me. hell, just a happy me. i'd be fine with just a happy me.

4.
i'm getting worse. i always used to think that losing romantic love was worse than losing platonic love because the things you do in romance are unique to one individual. what i realize now is i have other friends but none of them are taylor. you were a friend to me like no one else was, and nothing has ever hurt me all the way to my core more than the way that you described me to other people. it doesn't feel like the pain of losing you will ever stop. i know it will, but i think part of that will stay with me forever. how melodramatic.

5.
all i have been able to wonder tonight is if you're going to say happy birthday to me when the time comes.

6.
you would've been my maid of honor.

These days I cannot help but find myself inescapably sad. Six months ago, I never would have thought that life would bring me where I am today.

Isaias is the only part of my life in which I find real joy. Other times, I do what I am supposed to do - I go to work and I clean and I serve people and I make cakes and I wash dishes. I go to school and I listen to lectures and I take notes and I do homework and I take tests. I fill my life with things that make me feel lonely in places where I used to belong.

My mother kind of knows, I think, that I don't really have new friends here. I wonder if she realizes that I don't want to make new friends. I don't care enough to make new friends anymore. Everything has changed and I am inescapably sad.

A lot of this stems from you - and it's funny, I think, because I have always thought it was silly to treat losing a friend like the breakup of your life. But isn't it? Ten years is how long it took to form the bond that we had until a couple of months ago. It hurts.

I've played this record too many times. I never wanted to lose you. We had our ups and downs, but you were my best friend. Hell, you and I even talked about living together on campus next year. It was a bit of a pipe dream, but we were friends. We were best friends. All of my bonds with my friends are special, and yours was no exception.

Now I feel a little empty because what happened between us ripped so many different layers of my life away with it.

You took my job away from me. I still work there and you don't, but I don't belong there anymore like I used to. I can't explain the way that job used to be. I felt lucky. I felt loved and I felt like I was so excited I found a place where  I could make friends and work hard.

I know things happen. I know that I have other really, really good friends. I know that I have obligations, and I know that work relationships fall apart and personal relationships fall apart. But if you, dear reader, understand one thing about me, understand this: I am incredibly sensitive. I am extremely insecure in my position with others and even sometimes with myself. I feel like I have the whole world at my fingertips and it's all just out of reach because I'm not tall enough. I'm not good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough or musically/scientifically/artistically inclined or good at math to be distinguishable.

I've created an entire heartbreak around this, and I can't help it. I lost too much at once. My heart isn't strong enough for that.

I want to go back six months ago to when my life was good and I was happy.