These days I cannot help but find myself inescapably sad. Six months ago, I never would have thought that life would bring me where I am today.

Isaias is the only part of my life in which I find real joy. Other times, I do what I am supposed to do - I go to work and I clean and I serve people and I make cakes and I wash dishes. I go to school and I listen to lectures and I take notes and I do homework and I take tests. I fill my life with things that make me feel lonely in places where I used to belong.

My mother kind of knows, I think, that I don't really have new friends here. I wonder if she realizes that I don't want to make new friends. I don't care enough to make new friends anymore. Everything has changed and I am inescapably sad.

A lot of this stems from you - and it's funny, I think, because I have always thought it was silly to treat losing a friend like the breakup of your life. But isn't it? Ten years is how long it took to form the bond that we had until a couple of months ago. It hurts.

I've played this record too many times. I never wanted to lose you. We had our ups and downs, but you were my best friend. Hell, you and I even talked about living together on campus next year. It was a bit of a pipe dream, but we were friends. We were best friends. All of my bonds with my friends are special, and yours was no exception.

Now I feel a little empty because what happened between us ripped so many different layers of my life away with it.

You took my job away from me. I still work there and you don't, but I don't belong there anymore like I used to. I can't explain the way that job used to be. I felt lucky. I felt loved and I felt like I was so excited I found a place where  I could make friends and work hard.

I know things happen. I know that I have other really, really good friends. I know that I have obligations, and I know that work relationships fall apart and personal relationships fall apart. But if you, dear reader, understand one thing about me, understand this: I am incredibly sensitive. I am extremely insecure in my position with others and even sometimes with myself. I feel like I have the whole world at my fingertips and it's all just out of reach because I'm not tall enough. I'm not good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough or musically/scientifically/artistically inclined or good at math to be distinguishable.

I've created an entire heartbreak around this, and I can't help it. I lost too much at once. My heart isn't strong enough for that.