;;;

oh, blog, i am drunk and i am sad, but i am not drunk enough to express that i am sad.
that's why i have you.

1.
 i was looking at the stuffed animals i bought when we were at the zoo for your birthday. i almost forgot about them, sitting there on the bottom shelf of my bookcase. now they're soft and cute and the zoo was the last time you and i ever spent time together and it really felt okay. it's hard to believe it was that long ago. i miss you.

2.
i can't be at work for more than an hour or two anymore without feeling sad. there's a small part of me that wants to quit, but i know that i won't like it better anywhere else. i used to feel at home there. now, i stay because i need to for isaias. you quit your job, but i'm not there anymore. not really.

3.
i'm looking at the baskin robbins christmas photo from 2012, and it's genuine. more than anything, it's genuine. i won't ever forget that era. the era of daniel, of emily and emma. of a happier isaias. a happier me. hell, just a happy me. i'd be fine with just a happy me.

4.
i'm getting worse. i always used to think that losing romantic love was worse than losing platonic love because the things you do in romance are unique to one individual. what i realize now is i have other friends but none of them are taylor. you were a friend to me like no one else was, and nothing has ever hurt me all the way to my core more than the way that you described me to other people. it doesn't feel like the pain of losing you will ever stop. i know it will, but i think part of that will stay with me forever. how melodramatic.

5.
all i have been able to wonder tonight is if you're going to say happy birthday to me when the time comes.

6.
you would've been my maid of honor.