only when the clock stops does time come to life.

I feel like I'm holding back things that I don't even know I want to say so we're gonna try some stream of consciousness here. Sound and the Fury style! I'm not even going to attempt to backspace and try to make things sound metaphorical and eloquent because let's face it I'm shit at writing anyway. I'm shit at most things. Also I curse too much when I don't make a conscious effort not to do so, and that makes me feel really unattractive. But that's beside the point.

My real problem I can't stop jumping waytoodamnfarahead into the future because we are almost done with the last full week of school and we are in single digits and Jesus Christ I am scared I am so scared because I am unable to cope with the fact that this period of my life that feels like the most significant thing thus far is eventually going to be a tiny little blip in the back of my mind that fades like a fucking photograph in the sun because high school is not really that important in the grand scheme of things at all and will really have no bearing whatsoever on the rest of my life. None of this is even going to matter in five years.

And in five years, oh my god, I will be a college graduate by then. Maybe I'll be in college again going to grad school, but maybe I'll be starting a career. I have not a single goddamn clue what I am going to do with my life and that is unnerving. I do not feel like an adult because I do not have an inkling what my adult life will be like. I have changed, matured, grown so much over the past  four years, but I am going to walk out of North feeling like the same terrified, unprepared kid that I was when I walked through the doors as a freshman four years ago.

And I don't think I will live here in five years. I am stir-crazy for a place I have never been. Terre Haute for me has been wonderful and everything I could've asked for in a hometown, but damn, I cannot stay here for the rest of my life. I have no future here. I am smart, and I have no potential staying in this college-town with a declining population with people who really only find any kind of success as a lawyer with a private practice or a professor at ISU because this is all we have. Also dentists because damn dentists make a fucking ton of money for someone who stares at a person's teeth for thirty seconds after nurses do all the cleaning. Also beside the point. I liked being raised here because I have grown up into a person I am starting to embrace, but I never want to get married and settle down here. (Irony: you'll be the love of my life someday, and you're here. I hope you want to leave as much as I do someday.) I don't want to raise kids here. I need somewhere that will make me feel like I can be important and do something I love.

Time is the most objective force in the universe. It does not care that I want to spend just five more minutes kissing Isaias or if I need another day off of school to catch up or if I am going through one of those periods where I miss my grandmother because it just goes on. It goes on regardless of whether I want it to, and sometimes it does not pass fast enough, but it is steady and a second to me is a second to you is a second to Barack Obama is a second to Kim Jong-un. It doesn't care that I'm really insignificant to most of the world population or if someone has 300 million people to please or if someone else has come from a family famous for doing horrible things to innocent people. I know I say I am ready to be on summer break but I am not ready to deal with this huge change that's transitioning me from this stupid kid typing this novel at 12:30 in the morning into an adult that is going to have a career and a purpose in the world and be called Mrs. and Mom someday. Because, in four years, I will be doing this exact same thing because that is when real life starts and I will be expected to make something of myself and then, eventually, I will realize that my college experience, too, will not matter in the grand scheme of things.

And I could go on about Isaias for miles. Good things, scary things. Things about the love I know I'll be consumed by once it hits me, once I feel it say it mean it. I am eager, in both an excited and a panicked way, to see where he fits into all this and Jesus we've only been dating for nearly five months and I want to apply him to all of the above, all of that future I have discussed and to all things significant and insignificant about my life because I want to be successful but I will be successful so long as I am happy and he is what happy means to me. I don't even know what I used to call happy before I met him but it doesn't mean anything now. He is what I have always wanted my life to be, and that scares the shit out of me almost as much as it thrills me.

And right now, I don't even have my homework done! I sit in class and I think "man, this day is so long," but it's not. It's tiny. It's so tiny and I have so few left and it has created this giant, unedited mess of barely coherent thoughts up there. I'm not sure if I accomplished anything here except some temporary relief.

But hey, that's better than nothing.

fermentation.

Jesus Christ I just need to go to therapy.  This is me on a daily basis, finding one stupid, innocent stray thought after another to track down and capture as it crosses my mind and dissect it into something unrecognizable.

In other news, I need to quit trying to write in Circular Gallifreyan but it's so pretty so I keep making these.

The people who work at Baskin Robbins are a more loving family than my own.

I hate the way I feel tonight. I teared up at your house tonight because I'm so scared that things that don't even matter to you - of course not, you're perfect - mean that I don't make you happy.

I couldn't deal with being unable to make you happy.

Inquiry

There has to be a way to take the way that I feel about you and turn it into some kind of masterpiece. This, of course, is because you are nothing short of a masterpiece.

I want to tell you everyday how special you are - how I think you are adorable when you laugh and I would never find my car in a parking lot if you were not there. I can't come up with a way to describe the way I feel when I am around you or the way that I perceive you.

If a feeling can ever be accurately represented, then you will find it in the way that I look at you when you're not looking. You'll find it in the way I ruffle your hair while you talk and the way I smile and sigh when I feel you pull me tighter against you. Those are the things that really matter, not these words. Words are meaningless without actions behind them. Actions are meaningless without you.

You're a dream. The dream. My dream.

Overnight bag.

muchas otras muchachas brillan más brillantemente, y tú mereces el sol.

I promised myself I'd never end up the type of person who sat and sympathized with those stupid tumblr photos written on paint samples with instragram filters, so I've justified it by writing it in Spanish.

I feel ridiculous because I worry all the time about our relationship. We've only been together for a few months, and I'm jumping ahead - no, not marriage. I'm I'm jumping ahead to the end where you grow out of me. I'm jumping ahead to the end where you figure yourself out and move away. I'm jumping ahead to the end where, for one reason or another, you and I no longer work. In my defense, however, I don't worry that you'll find someone else. I only worry that you'll love me someday, but that love won't be enough.

I feel ridiculous because I don't like to think like this at all. I have never grown this attached to someone this quickly, and I think about you and cannot imagine a single thing that could make you better. I get overwhelmed sometimes with how lucky I am to have you in my life. You're constantly there when I need someone to talk to, and you always make me laugh. You are perfect, and I am so afraid that, at some point in our relationship, our lives will make this relationship inconvenient. I tell you all the time, mostly in a light-hearted tone, "You're just the dream." But you are. Over the past year, I've gotten to know you, and you are.

I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and keep you with me forever.

I'm having another episode.

I just need a stronger dose.

I can't fucking sleep because I'm terrified of everything in life I can't control. How can I succeed in life if I can't even control my own mind?

I hate myself. I'm having one of those nights where I hate myself so much that I wish my room didn't even have a mirror. I look at my arms and my stomach and my thighs and I think about how much I would love to be thinner and have better skin and prettier hair and I know I could fix myself but my negativity has destroyed my will to do anything except sulk.

I hope I get out of that soon. Bad habit.

Fuck I need to sleep. Maybe someday I will.