Officially?

It's time for me to be honest. In this category, I have not been honest in a long, long time.

I want a boyfriend. I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I know that I have not been "alone" for a long time, but... oh, have I been alone for a long time.

I want a proper, official relationship. I am so sick of this half-hearted, misinterpreted bullshit I've had for the past year. I would rather live my entire life completely alone than endure the constant ache of uncertainty. I cannot function on occasional text declarations and refusal to make eye contact. I cannot function on trunk expeditions and drunk epiphanies. I cannot function like this.

I want to cuddle with someone. I want to take those pictures on Facebook that lonely people look at and roll their eyes. I want to share everything with someone and gain his heart in return. I want to love and be loved and for it to be too much and not enough at the same time.

It doesn't have to be dramatic and it doesn't have to be forever, but I want someone to care about me and want to be with me in the same way that I have been fighting for for the past eighteen months. I cannot handle this sickening defacement of commitment that you created for me.

I want someone to call me baby. I want someone to be afraid of my father but to meet him anyway. I want someone to kiss me for every reason they can find and then when they run out of reasons to make them up.

I want to be hugged and I want to hold hands. I want stupidity and sarcasm and intimacy all rolled into one. I just want a relationship with someone: a completely imperfect relationship, I want to work for a paycheck instead of waiting to win the lottery.

I just fucking hated that bullshit you gave me twenty four hours a day. A year came and went and you didn't want to date me for this and that and I just don't care anymore because the whole concept of you made me feel like I'm alone and beyond the reach of the rest if the world. You've wreaked too much havoc and I need to find a way to build up the strength to let the insecurities I developed while you were around go.

I will wait forever for something real to come. Is that too much to ask?

A Thing of Beauty.

Saturday, I had a Halloween party with my co-workers.

It started at 10 at Emma's house. We all dressed up in costume, made food, and headed over there to watch Alien. Honestly, that movie was terrible, but that didn't matter.

I could say so much about all of them. Emily is the sweetest person I've ever met, and I respect her immensely after learning about her childhood. Daniel makes me laugh in ways that not many can because our senses of humor match up almost flawlessly. Isaias is so quiet, but when he speaks, it always leaves me smiling or wondering. Katelyn and Emma are so funny and so kind,  each in their own individual ways, and work is not work when they're around. Taylor is my best friend, and working with her has only brought us closer. Lauren and I were close once, but that long-forgotten friendship is starting to be restored. I don't know when it happened and I don't know how, but I feel less like an employee and more like part of a family.

This feeling is wonderful.

Reality.

I really think I'm going to ISU.

Today, I talked to Allison about the future and what we think will happen. Tyler will go to IU. Khala will probably go with him. Taylor plans to go to USI, and Allison wants go to far, far away from this place.

And here I'll be, all alone.

I don't know how to function without them.

Do I have to learn?

Lazy Saturdays.

Today, I sat at home and did nothing. The only time I left the house was to go to the store to purchase 18 ounce steaks for my father and me. My mom is out of town today helping my brother move into his new house. It's been a while since I talked to my father, really talked. He's not a talkative man as it is. Today, though, he taught me chords on the guitar and I taught him how to play a couple of songs. We watched Doctor Who and cooked together. It's memories like these I'll keep with me forever when I remember why I love and admire my father so much.

I've thought about a lot of things, though. When I'm by myself, I get wrapped up inside my own head. Must be why I can't sort anything out. I'm never alone these days. I'm always running off to school or work or Wal-Mart or Panera. Something comes up. It's never just me.

Everything in my life has a countdown. A clock is ticking in my head and I can feel its presence like a ghost. This room of mine, these teal walls and this television that broke over a year ago, is where I've slept my entire life. In less than a year, I'll be in the confines of a dorm with one other girl, who may be Khala or may be a stranger. It all depends. My parents, the wonderful people who raised me with love and compassion for which I will forever be indebted, are a constant presence. In less than a year, they'll be present in phone calls and weekend visits. Someday soon, my friends will all scatter in their different directions to sort out the rest of their lives and even though we all promised and swore up and down we'd be close through it all, someday we'll all just be the classic, timeless tale of those we used to know.

I don't want to be left grasping at stars.

It is four.

I suppose that, no matter the effort I put forth to smother it inside of me, I will always be inexplicably, inescapably selfish. I say this not as an evaluation of my self-esteem but as simple fact. Not deceptive, that's a different thing. But selfish, yes, and manipulative, maybe so. I don't think I'll ever be able to trick myself into behaving otherwise.

It's not an excuse for some of the things I do. It's not a justification. It's merely a reason. I always have a reason, even when I don't realize it until later; a good reason, though, not always. Even people I love, I cannot always say, "I would inconvenience myself to benefit you." That's not who I am, and for seventeen years, I've tried to be selfless. But, because I am also weak, I am not selfless. I am not even outwardly selfless. If I had been, my life would be different, and people would think that I am better than I really am.

Well, maybe they do, but I like to think that they see me for who I am, but they just choose to focus on the good.

But that's okay, and not in the sense that it's acceptable rather than I am accepting it in order to grow. I am selfish, and that's okay, because someday, I'll learn when to use it as a strength and when to control it as my weakness. Someday, I'll learn to balance my self-driven attitude and my immense capacity to care for other people. Because I can, and I do, and I do too much sometimes.  But everyone has their flaws and these are mine. Maybe embracing them is the only way to conquer them. Who knows.

I'm tired. It's late. Let's talk later.

Just breathe.

You are a selfish, hateful little thing, aren't you? For the first time in my entire life, I snapped. I told you what I was truly thinking in a rush of months and months of anger I so carefully withheld from you.

I'm sorry I was rude, but I also can't help that you're inconsiderate.

What's done is done.

You left. You left, and here I am picking up the pieces by myself.

It was my fault, really and truly. It was always my fault. I tried to make you something you aren't, and you turned me into something I don't want to be. I never should've let that happen.

None of this will ever happen again. I hope this is the last time in my life I feel this way. Next time, I will be smart. Next time, I will be with someone completely or I will be alone.

C'est la vie. I'll get it right someday.