Blast from the past!

You sent me a Facebook message today. Every once in a while, you send me a little chit chat message that usually ends in some awkward, lackadaisical attempt at an argument, but not today. Today, you sent me a picture of the playlist you made for me called "my girlfriend has awesome taste in music" where you picked all the songs we had in common and played them when I came over to your house.

You told me that you still couldn't bring yourself to listen to it, that you "still couldn't indulge yourself in me." Excuse me, Grady, but you stopped being able to indulge yourself in me on Wednesday, April 13, 2011 when I broke up with you.

And then I got to thinking a little bit. That was just over two years ago, but it feels like a much more distant memory. It's hard to remember the way it actually felt being with him. Nothing is separate; it's all a bit of a haze of the fights we had and the ways that we made up.

I was fifteen years old when I met you. I was learning to drive and it made me feel so mature, and then I met you outside the mall and you put out that cigarette when you saw the subtle disapproval on my face. You saw me at school and you talked to me, and you called me during fall break of sophomore year and we talked on the phone for five hours. I was a big phone-talker then. Not really anymore.

And then October 9, 2010, I started dating you. You made me happy for a brief time, and then a semi-connected multitude of events (most of them were your fault) stockpiled and we were no longer compatible. There's the skeleton of the story. We spent half a year together, but half a year was all I could handle.

I can think about all this in great detail now because nothing about it bothers me. I do not miss even the best parts of our relationship, and I certainly don't miss the worst. It's just so strange when I see pictures of things like that. I forgot that playlist even existed, even though I've listened to it at least a hundred times. It almost makes me feel guilty because you were, at one point in time, a significant factor in my life. You were significant and all I remember about you is that you liked outer space and you had a really fucking cute cat. (I think I liked Miss Kitty more than I liked you.)

Really though, I was perplexed rather than angry when you said that to me because I wasn't sure if you were still holding onto some stupid faded and tarnished dream of the two of us together or if you were just trying to stir up a little pre-grad drama. It's probably the latter.

But what I do know is that you hurt me very badly. Yes, I'm the one that ended if with you, but I ended it with you because I was sixteen years old and you had taken a girl who was once very bright and optimistic and you had beaten her self- worth into a pulp. You made me fucking hate myself for everything I ever did, and it took a long time to build myself back up.

But honestly, all I want to tell you, after pondering over it all, is thank you. Thank you, Cameron Grady, for being what you were to me. You did a lot of damage to me, damage I thought was irreparable because I was young and I was stupid and I was convinced you were the love that I let go. But you know what you did? You led me to being the person I am today. A lot of the choices I made were directly related to the person I have been changing into since I stopped dating you. I like myself more than I ever have. I can handle a lot more than I could before I met you. I'm stronger now. I'm a little more guarded now.

But most of all, I'm grateful now for the things that I have. I wanted to say here that Isaias is the one that replaced you, but that phrase doesn't do it justice. Isaias came into my life, carved out a new space for himself, and made everything that had happen in the seventeen years before I met him completely irrelevant.

I am grateful for him more than I could be had I not put up with you because I can see what a perfect person he is. For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to love myself and to be in love with someone else at the same time and god it feels good. And how it feels to be loved, I could never have imagined something so overwhelming.

So I suppose, since high school is almost over and petty high school fallouts are unnecessary still to hold bitterness, the only reason you were ever important to me, in the grand scheme of it all, is that you made me into a person that Isaias deserves. I owe you nothing. I have everything I need in this one person because I love him. I love him so much that I'm surprised by it sometimes. I'm glad I met you, because I ended up with Isaias. I ended up where I am now, which is where I want to be for the rest of my life.

this scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin.
you tried to reach deep, but you couldn't get in.
now you're outside me; you see all the beauty.
repent all your sin.
there's nothing but time and a face that you lose.
I chose to feel it, and you couldn't choose.
I'll write you a postcard - I'll send you the news
from the house down the road, from real love.

Poetry appreciation post 2

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

primary secondary tertiary

Who was the last person to piss you off? What did they do?

This dumb cunt decided it was okay to turn into the wrong lane right in front of me because it was more convenient for her but that's okay because she was on her cell phone and everyone knows the world revolves around that stupid bitch...

Do you miss your ex? What would you do to get them back?
No. I'm not the best judge of character, so none of those people turned out to be very compatible with me. I'm happy with my life right now.

If you had to choose between your best friend or your significant other dying, who would you choose?
Hey wow Satan made a survey

Everyone has a few demons, what's your worst one?

Anxiety.

Have you ever cheated on somebody?
Ehhhhh no, but I almost did some stupid things when I was infatuated with Cameron.

Are you a virgin?
Yes.

If you knew your girlfriend/boyfriend would be truly happier without you, would you leave?

I don't know about my leaving because I feel like "leaving because someone is better off without you" is really presumptuous and dramatic, but I would want him to be happy even if it meant leaving me.

If you liked someone with a terminal illness, would you still date them knowing they might not live much longer?

This question made me think much harder than I think it was supposed to. But the answer is yes.

If you sold your soul, what would it be for?

Shit man all I need is a kiss from Crowley. You know, pre-king-of-hell, back when he was just a lil' old crossroads demon.

Have you ever told a big lie, one that you felt bad for? Did you ever come clean?

Of course I have; I'm a person. And no.

Is there anything that you'd never do for any amount of money?

Several things. Kill someone. Eat a live wasp. You know.

Would you consider yourself vain or narcissistic?

I can be sometimes.

Are you open minded, or do you judge people and things before you give them a chance?
I really do like to think one of my best qualities is my open-mindedness.

Politics, what are your thoughts on them?

I'm a pretty liberal person, especially when it comes to social issues.

I just don't like talking about it. It's one of those subjects that makes people batshit crazy.

Do you prefer peace and quiet, or loud chaos?
Depends on my mood.

Religion, what is yours? Do you believe in a god?

I question it sometimes, but when you get down to it, I really don't believe in anything.

Do you ever want children?
Someday, I do. Two, maybe three. 

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Washington. Seattle? I don't know why. I've never been there, but I've wanted to move there since I was a kid. But really, anywhere with a bit more promise than good old TH is perfectly fine with me.

Do you do drugs? Drink? Smoke?

No to all.

Is there anything you wouldn't do for love?
I would do anything for love
BUT I WON'T DO THAT

I was tired four hours ago, but I don't know if I'll ever go to sleep when I initially want to so so.

But asleep or awake, I just want some peace.

ahora mismo.

This weekend has been full of work and friends and family. It's been full of Taylor, so much Taylor, and it's been full of Sarah and Tyler. It's been full of graduation parties and it's been full of running. Mexican food too.

This weekend has been full of nothing out of the ordinary, but it's been perfect, and I am happy.

Five things today has taught me:

1. I have never loved a fictional character more than I love Lucille Bluth.
2. I have never loved a fictional character more than I love Lucille Bluth.
3. I have never loved a fictional character more than I love Lucille Bluth.
4. I have never loved a fictional character more than I love Lucille Bluth.
5. I have never loved a fictional character more than I love Lucille Bluth.

I really need to go to bed but the Internet don't stop for nobody

Poetry appreciation post!

Desiderata - Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

I suppose I need a night like this where I finally have a little chat with myself, so to speak, about all my worries, but I don't think it's going to solve anything and it's far too late to be getting this emotional.

I'm like a broken record, I swear.

At least work will keep me busy this weekend.

Uy.

For eighteen years, I've held it all together, but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.

I don't know what happened over the past few hours, but my mood went from excellent to horrible for no reason at all. I hate feeling so irrational and out of control of my emotions.

Right now, I am inexplicably angry at you. It's not your fault; honestly, you didn't do anything wrong. But that's not stopping me from thinking about the things you say and rolling my eyes. Logically, I know you haven't done anything to me, but that isn't stopping my anger from being entirely directed toward you. I don't even want to talk to you for the night right now or even for the next couple of days because I have worked myself up into a weird state of fury.

(And you don't even know. That's the worst part! You don't even know because why would you know that I've created this in my head? And so you keep pissing me off for the same reasons and all I can do is keep silent so you don't know how ridiculous I'm being right now.)

And I'm scared all the time. I constantly think about dying again. This is worse than its ever been because the gaps in between the times where my mind is at ease and where I feel out of control. I feel trapped in my own body. I could go to Bloomington to get away for a day, but I'm always going to carry my thoughts with me.

I can't escape myself and I hate it. It's going to be there for my entire life and I don't even know how I can live a long time with this kind of anxiety and still be happy. The sad thing is, though, I am so scared of dying that I can't even let myself believe that I will live a long life. Sometimes, I get so worked up about dying that I refuse to go to sleep until I am too exhausted to force myself awake because I'm afraid I'll die in my sleep.


It's always something, and I can't shake the feeling of terror that overwhelms me more now than it doesn't. I am hardly functional anymore and I don't know how therapy could make it any better, but the side effects of anti-anxiety medications turn me off completely from them. (And that's because of you. It's always for you. You just don't know it.) I know what therapists will say. I know a vast majority of people live long lives. I know the odds of me, a healthy, young nonsmoker with little family history, getting cancer is slim. But that doesn't matter to my ridiculous episodes.

I feel like I'm going to be this mess forever and that makes me want to lie on the ground and throw a sobbing fit like a little kid because it's not fair. I know my life could be worse, okay? I could be starving or sick or have a family that doesn't care about me, but instead of focusing on that, all I can see is the part where everything goes wrong. I can barely eat, I have to drag myself to exhaustion to go to sleep, and other people live life normally and don't want to throw up every time they get a bad headache because oh my god what if it's a brain tumor surely it couldn't be anything else what if its inoperable how will I keep my scholarship if I'm doing chemotherapy what would my life span be would I even make it to thirty how about twenty would Isaias still want to be with me if I were sick would it even be worth it for him if I could only give him a little while would it spread to other parts of my body would it be very painful how can I die this young?

Sometimes it's just a fucking headache okay? But this is what I do. I drive myself to the point of tears, of nausea, of panic, because a headache to me is an inoperable chronic condition that will cause me to die quickly and painfully and I spend so much time worrying about all of this these days that it is hard for me to get anything else accomplished.

I really want to like myself but this makes me want to stomp around and cry about how much I absolutely hate being me. I am stupid, I am ridiculous, and I am irrational, and I can't talk myself out of it. Just thinking about it all makes me want to cry partially because there are so many diseases in the world that I don't understand how people are healthy at all, but mostly because I know how much of a dumb fucking person I'm being but this anxiety is changing who I am. I just want to be able to relax. That's not that much to ask, is it?

Please. That's all I want.

#Yolo #Yoles #Yole #Yolemos #Yoleis #Yolen

Hey remember that time

When I skipped/escaped from all of my classes 

and no one noticed or cared?

When I see you, I see what we could be. I don't just see your face, although that would be good enough to look at forever. I see waking up next to you. I see living with you. I see marrying you.

And as much as part of my brain is telling me woah Haley slow the fuck down and think about the practicalities here for a second the other part is saying that being on the same page shows how much we work together, and entertaining the prospect of a life with you makes me happy, and happiness is the logical thing to do.

I love you.

I was so excited that my period came regularly for the first time in my entire life that I forgot how much being on your period fucking sucks.

I tell him, "Real."

I hope that tonight is a night I look back on years from now and think, "This is the night that everything really started."

I have told you in so many ways that I loved you, but I have never until tonight said the words. I know how people use that word enough to lessen its meaning, but to me, it's always been extremely powerful. I knew on our second date that I'd love you someday; I just thought it would take longer.

As I spent time with you over these last months, I learned about you. I learned your favorite kind of pizza and what television shows that you like, but I also learned how you act around babies and how much you love pets. I learned how big your heart is and how smart you are. And slowly, I realized that you have set the precedent for anyone who would ever come after you. And then quickly, I realized that I will never let anyone come after you. I want you, and no one else compares.

After being with you, I realized that love isn't what I thought love was. Love is so much better because it isn't building years and a life with somebody - it's being able to look at you and see the life that we could build without kidding myself that everything will be perfect. It's about seeing perfection while acknowledging there will be flaws because it's you, and how could I not be in love with you?

I never wanted some sort of flawless dream anyway for my life. I want reality with you, for better or for worse, because you'll always be my better.

only when the clock stops does time come to life.

I feel like I'm holding back things that I don't even know I want to say so we're gonna try some stream of consciousness here. Sound and the Fury style! I'm not even going to attempt to backspace and try to make things sound metaphorical and eloquent because let's face it I'm shit at writing anyway. I'm shit at most things. Also I curse too much when I don't make a conscious effort not to do so, and that makes me feel really unattractive. But that's beside the point.

My real problem I can't stop jumping waytoodamnfarahead into the future because we are almost done with the last full week of school and we are in single digits and Jesus Christ I am scared I am so scared because I am unable to cope with the fact that this period of my life that feels like the most significant thing thus far is eventually going to be a tiny little blip in the back of my mind that fades like a fucking photograph in the sun because high school is not really that important in the grand scheme of things at all and will really have no bearing whatsoever on the rest of my life. None of this is even going to matter in five years.

And in five years, oh my god, I will be a college graduate by then. Maybe I'll be in college again going to grad school, but maybe I'll be starting a career. I have not a single goddamn clue what I am going to do with my life and that is unnerving. I do not feel like an adult because I do not have an inkling what my adult life will be like. I have changed, matured, grown so much over the past  four years, but I am going to walk out of North feeling like the same terrified, unprepared kid that I was when I walked through the doors as a freshman four years ago.

And I don't think I will live here in five years. I am stir-crazy for a place I have never been. Terre Haute for me has been wonderful and everything I could've asked for in a hometown, but damn, I cannot stay here for the rest of my life. I have no future here. I am smart, and I have no potential staying in this college-town with a declining population with people who really only find any kind of success as a lawyer with a private practice or a professor at ISU because this is all we have. Also dentists because damn dentists make a fucking ton of money for someone who stares at a person's teeth for thirty seconds after nurses do all the cleaning. Also beside the point. I liked being raised here because I have grown up into a person I am starting to embrace, but I never want to get married and settle down here. (Irony: you'll be the love of my life someday, and you're here. I hope you want to leave as much as I do someday.) I don't want to raise kids here. I need somewhere that will make me feel like I can be important and do something I love.

Time is the most objective force in the universe. It does not care that I want to spend just five more minutes kissing Isaias or if I need another day off of school to catch up or if I am going through one of those periods where I miss my grandmother because it just goes on. It goes on regardless of whether I want it to, and sometimes it does not pass fast enough, but it is steady and a second to me is a second to you is a second to Barack Obama is a second to Kim Jong-un. It doesn't care that I'm really insignificant to most of the world population or if someone has 300 million people to please or if someone else has come from a family famous for doing horrible things to innocent people. I know I say I am ready to be on summer break but I am not ready to deal with this huge change that's transitioning me from this stupid kid typing this novel at 12:30 in the morning into an adult that is going to have a career and a purpose in the world and be called Mrs. and Mom someday. Because, in four years, I will be doing this exact same thing because that is when real life starts and I will be expected to make something of myself and then, eventually, I will realize that my college experience, too, will not matter in the grand scheme of things.

And I could go on about Isaias for miles. Good things, scary things. Things about the love I know I'll be consumed by once it hits me, once I feel it say it mean it. I am eager, in both an excited and a panicked way, to see where he fits into all this and Jesus we've only been dating for nearly five months and I want to apply him to all of the above, all of that future I have discussed and to all things significant and insignificant about my life because I want to be successful but I will be successful so long as I am happy and he is what happy means to me. I don't even know what I used to call happy before I met him but it doesn't mean anything now. He is what I have always wanted my life to be, and that scares the shit out of me almost as much as it thrills me.

And right now, I don't even have my homework done! I sit in class and I think "man, this day is so long," but it's not. It's tiny. It's so tiny and I have so few left and it has created this giant, unedited mess of barely coherent thoughts up there. I'm not sure if I accomplished anything here except some temporary relief.

But hey, that's better than nothing.

fermentation.

Jesus Christ I just need to go to therapy.  This is me on a daily basis, finding one stupid, innocent stray thought after another to track down and capture as it crosses my mind and dissect it into something unrecognizable.

In other news, I need to quit trying to write in Circular Gallifreyan but it's so pretty so I keep making these.

The people who work at Baskin Robbins are a more loving family than my own.

I hate the way I feel tonight. I teared up at your house tonight because I'm so scared that things that don't even matter to you - of course not, you're perfect - mean that I don't make you happy.

I couldn't deal with being unable to make you happy.