In 2012, I spent almost an entire year dejected and despondent, stuck in a relationship that did nothing but hurt me. I fought for it, though, because I thought he and I could make it right, but all I did in the process was create a destructive situation for myself.
In 2012, I did not date anyone because I wasted my time with a boy who would had found every excuse not to be with me. I wasted my time pining after a relationship that I created in my head.
But in 2012, I started working at Baskin Robbins. In 2012, I met Isaias Rodriguez, and in 2012 everything started working in my favor at once because I am happy, so happy, in all areas of my life.
The best thing 2012 could have done was give me an out for Joe because I never would've been happy with anything in my life had he not left and took his cloud of misery with him.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Basically me.
I get to spend New Year's Eve with Isaias!
I get a New Year's kiss!
And that kiss is from Isaias!
I get a New Year's kiss!
And that kiss is from Isaias!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Can we just talk about this poem?
Some brave souls
choose to wear
their hearts
on their
sleeves,
but I,
brave or stupid
or perhaps
both,
have chosen instead
to wear mine
on yours.
- Tyler Knott Gregson.
choose to wear
their hearts
on their
sleeves,
but I,
brave or stupid
or perhaps
both,
have chosen instead
to wear mine
on yours.
- Tyler Knott Gregson.
Officially!
Yesterday was the first day I worked with Emily since Isaias and I went on our first date. She was aching to know how they went from my perspective despite already having heard his own testimony. She asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told her the truth: of course I do. I always have.
Later that day, Isaias and I were sitting in my car outside of his house. He looked at me and said, "Emily told me that you want to be my girlfriend."
It was the last thing I expected. I froze, but he continued. "I'd really like that."
And so now Isaias and I are a couple. Just like that. Isn't it funny how that works?
I may go into detail some other time, but words cannot express how lucky I feel right now to have this chance. I have never before been so hopeful for the future.
Later that day, Isaias and I were sitting in my car outside of his house. He looked at me and said, "Emily told me that you want to be my girlfriend."
It was the last thing I expected. I froze, but he continued. "I'd really like that."
And so now Isaias and I are a couple. Just like that. Isn't it funny how that works?
I may go into detail some other time, but words cannot express how lucky I feel right now to have this chance. I have never before been so hopeful for the future.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Second Date Reflections.
I just want to be with him, okay?
Today, I went to your house, and we sat down on the bed in your room. You looked at your television, and you looked at me, and you asked, "Doctor Who?" like it was a real question with more than one possible answer. So we watched the Doctor and Rose fight Cybermen in Pete's universe. I scooted closer to you and and you laced your fingers with mine, and I buried my head into your chest because I wanted to find every possible way to be closer to you.
You cupped my face with your hands and you kissed me again and again and again. Later on, you wrapped your arms around me and you apologized for being such a coward and not asking me out sooner.
None of that matters. What matters to me now is that I spent eight hours with you today and all I can think about is I want to drive myself back to your house and kiss you again. You are so warm and wonderful. You kissed me on the forehead and watched my favorite television show. You kissed me on the cheek and we watched yours. You kissed me on the lips and we completely ignored at least two hours worth the programming. Background noise, as you put it. I want to spend countless days like we did today where I get lost in your eyes and your laugh and your lips.
I hope I see you again tomorrow like we planned.
You cupped my face with your hands and you kissed me again and again and again. Later on, you wrapped your arms around me and you apologized for being such a coward and not asking me out sooner.
None of that matters. What matters to me now is that I spent eight hours with you today and all I can think about is I want to drive myself back to your house and kiss you again. You are so warm and wonderful. You kissed me on the forehead and watched my favorite television show. You kissed me on the cheek and we watched yours. You kissed me on the lips and we completely ignored at least two hours worth the programming. Background noise, as you put it. I want to spend countless days like we did today where I get lost in your eyes and your laugh and your lips.
I hope I see you again tomorrow like we planned.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Isaias is watching Doctor Who.
Every time something important happens, he texts me to tell me. Tonight, I get a text from him that just says, "K-9!"
Every time he texts me referencing Doctor Who I just want to kiss him. He never had any desire to watch it before.
In his own words, "the best way to a girl's heart is through her instant queue." He is seriously the cutest fucking person, oh my god.
I can't even be deep about it, which is really surprising at four thirty. I just want to kiss him senseless when I see him tomorrow because everything he ever says makes me laugh or smile.
Every time he texts me referencing Doctor Who I just want to kiss him. He never had any desire to watch it before.
In his own words, "the best way to a girl's heart is through her instant queue." He is seriously the cutest fucking person, oh my god.
I can't even be deep about it, which is really surprising at four thirty. I just want to kiss him senseless when I see him tomorrow because everything he ever says makes me laugh or smile.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
This Year.
Last year, I referred to my love life as "a crime scene." This year has been nothing like last year. This year, my love life took an entirely new road.
I am far from perfect. I do things wrong every day; however, I am made of good intentions and I spend every single moment trying to learn from myself and the people around me. I am better than I was last year. I am wiser, and I am stronger, and I am happier. Here I am, two weeks from the new year, and I have all the potential in the world with Isaias for 2013 looming ahead.
This is what I have learned:
1. To be emotionally invested is vital. When you are lonely, temptation may lead you down the roads you swore you’d never take. You may find yourself kissing someone you never thought you’d kiss, and you will swear to the stars that it’s all in good fun; however, eventually, you will start to desire more of a connection. Instead of a kiss, a smile will linger just as sweetly on your lips. You will stop thinking about his eyes and start thinking about his heart, and you will realize that this is not enough. Nothing has meaning without emotion. When you create this kind of thing for yourself, you will feel empty when he is around because you have taken the brilliance of intimacy and made a travesty of it. To behave in such a manner without the basis of an emotional connection is not satisfying; instead, is objectifying. It yields merely a hollow heart and a distorted perception of your self-worth.
2. To be physically invested is vital too. Just as it is easy to fall into traps when you are lonely, it is also easy to fall into traps when you are not. When you meet someone who cares about your mind and your spirit, you find comfort in the chilly air of self-doubt by wrapping yourself in the passion-soaked words of another. Of course I want someone to believe that I am beautiful. Of course I want someone to see me as the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be; however, a point in time comes where emotional connection has reached a standstill and something else must coincide. At some point, in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you must reach past the things you can express in words and start showing someone how much they mean to you.
3. You cannot be afraid to initiate. No one thoroughly enjoys putting themselves out there without a guarantee of getting a return. Be it a confession of feelings or even the start of an argument, to speak what is on your mind and not to know the coming response is unsettling; however, this is no excuse to sit back and let everyone else make things happen in your life for you. You are not so important that people are going to fight for you if you can not fight for yourself. You are not so wonderful that people will accept the way that you treat them without question because they want you in their lives. You have to hold your own end. You have to tell someone what you think, what you feel, or what you want. The only person you have to blame if things do not play out how you want is yourself unless you do something. Refusal to take a stand implies apathy. It implies giving up, and you know for a fact that you never give up. Don't be afraid - you'll be better for it in the end.
4. You should never waste your time trying to convince someone that they should be with you. When you develop feelings for someone, the most interesting thing happens: you glorify them. You pardon their faults and glorify their feats. When you meet someone with commitment issues, they are easy to ignore at first. You can make up excuses: they may have had a rough family life. They may be jaded or guarded or a number of things in combination; however, you must stop fighting blindly when things are at a standstill. You cannot force someone to be with you, and trying to convince someone otherwise leaves you feeling like you are worth absolutely nothing. Instead of finding someone to make you happy, you spend your time trudging on, hating yourself all the while Despite whatever you may think, you are always worth it to somebody. If someone wants to drag you along through an endless maze of emotions, then they have emotional issues that you are not required to deal with. To be with you is a privilege, and you have to remember that. Someday, you will find someone, and they will love you easily. “You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.”
I am far from perfect. I do things wrong every day; however, I am made of good intentions and I spend every single moment trying to learn from myself and the people around me. I am better than I was last year. I am wiser, and I am stronger, and I am happier. Here I am, two weeks from the new year, and I have all the potential in the world with Isaias for 2013 looming ahead.
This is what I have learned:
1. To be emotionally invested is vital. When you are lonely, temptation may lead you down the roads you swore you’d never take. You may find yourself kissing someone you never thought you’d kiss, and you will swear to the stars that it’s all in good fun; however, eventually, you will start to desire more of a connection. Instead of a kiss, a smile will linger just as sweetly on your lips. You will stop thinking about his eyes and start thinking about his heart, and you will realize that this is not enough. Nothing has meaning without emotion. When you create this kind of thing for yourself, you will feel empty when he is around because you have taken the brilliance of intimacy and made a travesty of it. To behave in such a manner without the basis of an emotional connection is not satisfying; instead, is objectifying. It yields merely a hollow heart and a distorted perception of your self-worth.
2. To be physically invested is vital too. Just as it is easy to fall into traps when you are lonely, it is also easy to fall into traps when you are not. When you meet someone who cares about your mind and your spirit, you find comfort in the chilly air of self-doubt by wrapping yourself in the passion-soaked words of another. Of course I want someone to believe that I am beautiful. Of course I want someone to see me as the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be; however, a point in time comes where emotional connection has reached a standstill and something else must coincide. At some point, in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you must reach past the things you can express in words and start showing someone how much they mean to you.
3. You cannot be afraid to initiate. No one thoroughly enjoys putting themselves out there without a guarantee of getting a return. Be it a confession of feelings or even the start of an argument, to speak what is on your mind and not to know the coming response is unsettling; however, this is no excuse to sit back and let everyone else make things happen in your life for you. You are not so important that people are going to fight for you if you can not fight for yourself. You are not so wonderful that people will accept the way that you treat them without question because they want you in their lives. You have to hold your own end. You have to tell someone what you think, what you feel, or what you want. The only person you have to blame if things do not play out how you want is yourself unless you do something. Refusal to take a stand implies apathy. It implies giving up, and you know for a fact that you never give up. Don't be afraid - you'll be better for it in the end.
4. You should never waste your time trying to convince someone that they should be with you. When you develop feelings for someone, the most interesting thing happens: you glorify them. You pardon their faults and glorify their feats. When you meet someone with commitment issues, they are easy to ignore at first. You can make up excuses: they may have had a rough family life. They may be jaded or guarded or a number of things in combination; however, you must stop fighting blindly when things are at a standstill. You cannot force someone to be with you, and trying to convince someone otherwise leaves you feeling like you are worth absolutely nothing. Instead of finding someone to make you happy, you spend your time trudging on, hating yourself all the while Despite whatever you may think, you are always worth it to somebody. If someone wants to drag you along through an endless maze of emotions, then they have emotional issues that you are not required to deal with. To be with you is a privilege, and you have to remember that. Someday, you will find someone, and they will love you easily. “You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)