Silver Lining.

In 2012, I spent almost an entire year dejected and despondent, stuck in a relationship that did nothing but hurt me. I fought for it, though, because I thought he and I could make it right, but all I did in the process was create a destructive situation for myself.

In 2012, I did not date anyone because I wasted my time with a boy who would had found every excuse not to be with me. I wasted my time pining after a relationship that I created in my head.

But in 2012, I started working at Baskin Robbins. In 2012, I met Isaias Rodriguez, and in 2012 everything started working in my favor at once because I am happy, so happy, in all areas of my life.

The best thing 2012 could have done was give me an out for Joe because I never would've been happy with anything in my life had he not left and took his cloud of misery with him.

Basically me.

I get to spend New Year's Eve with Isaias!
I get a New Year's kiss!
And that kiss is from Isaias!

Can we just talk about this poem?

Some brave souls
choose to wear
their hearts
on their
sleeves,
but I,
brave or stupid
or perhaps
both,
have chosen instead
to wear mine
on yours.

- Tyler Knott Gregson.

Officially!

Yesterday was the first day I worked with Emily since Isaias and I went on our first date. She was aching to know how they went from my perspective despite already having heard his own testimony. She asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told her the truth: of course I do. I always have.

Later that day, Isaias and I were sitting in my car outside of his house. He looked at me and said, "Emily told me that you want to be my girlfriend."

It was the last thing I expected. I froze, but he continued. "I'd really like that."

And so now Isaias and I are a couple. Just like that. Isn't it funny how that works?

I may go into detail some other time, but words cannot express how lucky I feel right now to have this chance. I have never before been so hopeful for the future.

Second Date Reflections.

I just want to be with him, okay?

Today, I went to your house, and we sat down on the bed in your room. You looked at your television, and you looked at me, and you asked, "Doctor Who?" like it was a real question with more than one possible answer. So we watched the Doctor and Rose fight Cybermen in Pete's universe. I scooted closer to you and  and you laced your fingers with mine, and I buried my head into your chest because I wanted to find every possible way to be closer to you.

You cupped my face with your hands and you kissed me again and again and again. Later on, you wrapped your arms around me and you apologized for being such a coward and not asking me out sooner.

None of that matters. What matters to me now is that I spent eight hours with you today and all I can think about is I want to drive myself back to your house and kiss you again. You are so warm and wonderful. You kissed me on the forehead and watched my favorite television show. You kissed me on the cheek and we watched yours. You kissed me on the lips and we completely ignored at least two hours worth the programming. Background noise, as you put it. I want to spend countless days like we did today where I get lost in your eyes and your laugh and your lips.

I hope I see you again tomorrow like we planned.

Isaias is watching Doctor Who.

Every time something important happens, he texts me to tell me. Tonight, I get a text from him that just says, "K-9!"

Every time he texts me referencing Doctor Who I just want to kiss him. He never had any desire to watch it before.

In his own words, "the best way to a girl's heart is through her instant queue." He is seriously the cutest fucking person, oh my god.

I can't even be deep about it, which is really surprising at four thirty. I just want to kiss him senseless when I see him tomorrow because everything he ever says makes me laugh or smile.

This Year.

Last year, I referred to my love life as "a crime scene." This year has been nothing like last year. This year, my love life took an entirely new road.

I am far from perfect. I do things wrong every day; however, I am made of good intentions and I spend every single moment trying to learn from myself and the people around me. I am better than I was last year. I am wiser, and I am stronger, and I am happier. Here I am, two weeks from the new year, and I have all the potential in the world with Isaias for 2013 looming ahead.

This is what I have learned:


1. To be emotionally invested is vital. When you are lonely, temptation may lead you down the roads you swore you’d never take. You may find yourself kissing someone you never thought you’d kiss, and you will swear to the stars that it’s all in good fun; however, eventually, you will start to desire more of a connection. Instead of a kiss, a smile will linger just as sweetly on your lips. You will stop thinking about his eyes and start thinking about his heart, and you will realize that this is not enough. Nothing has meaning without emotion. When you create this kind of thing for yourself, you will feel empty when he is around because you have taken the brilliance of intimacy and made a travesty of it. To behave in such a manner without the basis of an emotional connection is not satisfying; instead, is objectifying. It yields merely a hollow heart and a distorted perception of your self-worth.

2. To be physically invested is vital too. Just as it is easy to fall into traps when you are lonely, it is also easy to fall into traps when you are not. When you meet someone who cares about your mind and your spirit, you find comfort in the chilly air of self-doubt by wrapping yourself in the passion-soaked words of another. Of course I want someone to believe that I am beautiful. Of course I want someone to see me as the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be; however, a point in time comes where emotional connection has reached a standstill and something else must coincide. At some point, in order to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, you must reach past the things you can express in words and start showing someone how much they mean to you.

3. You cannot be afraid to initiate. No one thoroughly enjoys putting themselves out there without a guarantee of getting a return. Be it a confession of feelings or even the start of an argument, to speak what is on your mind and not to know the coming response is unsettling; however, this is no excuse to sit back and let everyone else make things happen in your life for you. You are not so important that people are going to fight for you if you can not fight for yourself. You are not so wonderful that people will accept the way that you treat them without question because they want you in their lives. You have to hold your own end. You have to tell someone what you think, what you feel, or what you want. The only person you have to blame if things do not play out how you want is yourself unless you do something. Refusal to take a stand implies apathy. It implies giving up, and you know for a fact that you never give up. Don't be afraid - you'll be better for it in the end.

4. You should never waste your time trying to convince someone that they should be with you. When you develop feelings for someone, the most interesting thing happens: you glorify them. You pardon their faults and glorify their feats. When you meet someone with commitment issues, they are easy to ignore at first. You can make up excuses: they may have had a rough family life. They may be jaded or guarded or a number of things in combination; however, you must stop fighting blindly when things are at a standstill. You cannot force someone to be with you, and trying to convince someone otherwise leaves you feeling like you are worth absolutely nothing. Instead of finding someone to make you happy, you spend your time trudging on, hating yourself all the while Despite whatever you may think, you are always worth it to somebody. If someone wants to drag you along through an endless maze of emotions, then they have emotional issues that you are not required to deal with. To be with you is a privilege, and you have to remember that. Someday, you will find someone, and they will love you easily. “You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.”

First Date Reflections.

"The spiders would know. Spiders are doctors."

"My parents would just be surprised I brought a girl home. My dad thought I was gay. Wait, I probably shouldn't tell you things like that."

"I don't deserve to have these bones!"

"I will text you... often."

Tonight, I ate at Texas Roadhouse with Isaias. He paid for me and held the door for me. We talked, we laughed, we had a lot of fun.

We went to Toy's R Us to buy things for his family. We went to Books a Million to buy things for my friends.

But the best part was when we sat in my car and talked for three hours.

December 21, 2012 is now the day I kissed you and you almost missed. You laughed nervously and said, "I'm no good at this." I inched my hand closer to yours and laced our pinkies together, and soon enough, my head was buried into your shoulder and I could feel the stubble on your jaw brushing my face in the most beautiful way.

When we said goodbye, you kissed me on the forehead and on the lips and I could have spent the whole night in that moment right there.

You are everything I could've asked for in a first date.

Last Year.

Last year, on my old blog, I wrote five things that I learned about love in that year. Soon, I will post entirely new ones; however, in order to move forward, we must learn from the past. Here are the five from 2011. If you so desire, you may read them here:

Forgetful.

I am so insecure, and this stems from my worry that I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. Forget heights or spiders - my biggest fear is not being enough.

I worry constantly about how others see me. I wonder if I am funny enough for my friends or nice enough to my teachers. I wonder if I am charming, or whatever it is that you like about me, enough to keep you. I always worry.

And you, I don't know if I'm completely sad or infuriated. All you have talked about for a month is how much you hope Isaias and I will get together, and now I find out all you do is wish us a horrible date behind my back.

If you really cared about him, you'd be happy that he found someone. If you really care about me, you'd be happy that I was happy.

Little things.

I hope my present to you showed you how I truly feel.

I did buy you a gift card. It was on your list, and I wanted to get you something of substance. A gift card worked well for that. But I wanted to add some thought as well. I wanted you to be able to see how inordinately much I think about you when you opened my gift. Baked goods worked well for that.

We had a conversation about a month ago about flavors we love. I remembered that. I spent far too much time researching which recipe was best to make it perfect. I really just wanted you to smile.

The smile you gave me when you opened them made the hours I spent baking them worth it. I hope you realize what they symbolize.

Mentality.

Oh, this is my favorite dance, and you are my favorite partner.

We synchronize so flawlessly, and I often wonder how this will come to be. As I scan our schedule and calculate the minutes I will see you, you pull me laughing by the hand into another one of our priceless conversations. When your smile reaches your eyes, I just wish I could kiss you because that smile of yours is one of my favorite things.

I know I am selfish. I know I am all sorts of unkind and ungrateful and unworthy, but I promise, if you ever looked twice at me, I would try my best to make you happy.

Decision-Making Skills.

I sit here on a Monday night as if I have nothing to do, but honestly, I should have started to study a long time ago.

Today, an old acquaintance of mine asked me on a date this weekend. I have known this boy for years, but he and I have never held a substantial conversation. No one has ever been as direct as he was with me. He stopped me in the hallway today, pulled me aside, and said, "You want to hang out this weekend? Like a date. We could see a movie."

Do I want to go on a date? Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want commitment and a label? Am I prepared to stop shamelessly pursuing Isaias and yet pretending like I don't actually have the biggest crush on him known to man? These questions have no answer right now. The last time I called someone my boyfriend, officially rather than just to other people, was two years ago. I am the girlfriend type, but do I know how to be that anymore?

Or do I want something less serious? Damn, I can't even remember the last time I had a little... fun. What kind of thing is that to say? The boy is decent-looking, and he seems like a nice person. When did I start thinking about basing a relationship solely on physical activities?

Basically, there is one big problem with this: I am like a fish out of water in this pool of unavailable men. I'm not used to it. I have had an entirely physical relationship, and that left me hopeless and craving an emotional connection. I have had an entirely emotional relationship, and that left me desperate for physical attention and idly daydreaming about pinning my boss against the wall.

Also, and anywhere else, I will continue to deny this even to myself: I like Isaias. The last thing I should be doing in my life is feeding the hope at the corners of my mind that someday, he and I will be something, anything at all. Every real-life scenario between the two of us launches three in my mind in which a word, a sentence, a question begins something. What scares me the most is the fact that this is not because I am lonely. This is because you are such a good person and you always leave me craving more of you. I don't  think anyone's ever appreciated you before. That's a damn shame because you deserve so much.

Probably far better than I'll ever be, honestly.

Reveries.

You are unprecedented, but you'll always be too good for me.