By accident, I ended up on Joe's Facebook page today. Naturally, this lead to a re-reading of every conversation we ever had on that social network. I read them backward, though, and it was strange. It's astounding how differently we talked to each other when things were starting. Backward, you'd think you were witnessing the formation of a friendship when you're really just rewinding the downfall of a relationship that never really was.
When we first found out we liked each other, we lost sleep for those pages of late-night text messages. I used to stay up late reading, my phone turned on high in case you had a nightmare and woke up at four like you sometimes did. You made me a playlist and called me Syfy, which I always thought was adorable. When we were trying to figure out where the other stood, we put so much effort into conversation. Our end was bland and dull. We met on the last day of September in 2011, and by the time fall of 2012 rolled around, you knew all of my favorite songs and mannerisms. I already knew where you were born and the way your voice sounded when you were tired.
I gathered only one thing from it, one single but one extremely important thing: friendship is necessary. When we met, we both knew what we were working toward: we were interested in each other from the get go, and even though our relationship involved absolutely no physical connection, we were defined by our status as almost-together. And so, because Haley thinks about the past present future endlessly, she has decided that the mess she cleaned up a long time ago still holds a lesson to be learned, a tale to be told: no matter how much passion you have, no matter how a many romantic nights you have under the stars or movie days spent tangled in limbs and sheets, you have absolutely nothing without a friendship underneath it all.
Eventually, that passion will evolve. Eventually, after that fire has burned away, you are left with love, the warm and flickering glow of love. It's like this: yes, tsunami can topple a city in a instant, but the steady splash of the waves on the rock goes on forever, shifting and eroding the earth with time. It's that subtlety, that quiet connection after the storm has passed and the seas are calm that allows a relationship to continue.
Friendship, not atop the love you share but laced within it, is the only way to find something eternal. So talk. Laugh. Tell stories about your childhood and act like a complete fool. There's a good chance that those memories will be the ones that never leave.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Vitality
Truthfully, I have never felt like a person that anyone should enjoy. I am loud, far too loud, and I am selfish. I am absent-minded and I talk about myself more than I should. I am unattractive in mind and body. I feel inadequate in most areas of my life, and I do nothing but validate that insecurity with my own laziness.
And yet, when I am with you, I feel like the person I wish that I could be. I could spend days finding holes in this relationship, picking apart every reason why you should not want me in any manner, but to ruin anything so wonderful would be inexcusable. I hope that you stay for a very long time because, although I have never experienced love, and although I am far from it, I would like to learn to love you someday.
You're just lovely in every way.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Mi ancla tú serás.
Extraña es la imagen que doy;
Me quieren cambiar a la moda de hoy,
Pero tú me abrazas donde estoy
Y es que tú me amas tal y como soy.
Me quieren cambiar a la moda de hoy,
Pero tú me abrazas donde estoy
Y es que tú me amas tal y como soy.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Anxiety.
I wanted to go to sleep a long time ago.
But I have a problem, you see. I have a horrible problem. I am a hypochondriac.
I can't sleep these days, and I wake up exhausted because I lie in bed in a near-panic for hours sometimes because I can't stop thinking about all the diseases I could have.
I've always been like this, but it's gotten worse recently. I can't focus on school or anything because I think about myself dying all the time. I think about all of the things that could go wrong or may already be wrong with my body until I want to cry or throw up.
I exhaust my brain with these thoughts of cancer and tumors and all things terminal. I face my mortality all the time. It makes me sick, and even as I type all of this, tears are welling up in my eyes because I'm so fucking terrified all the time that I don't even want to be awake to think about this. It paralyzes me with fear on a daily basis and that is so unhealthy.
This sounds dramatic, but it's always been this way. I just wish I were a normal person. I wish I didn't constantly have this horrific notion that I was dying. I wish I could just focus on the things I need to focus on - like that scholarship or my homework - and instead making myself sick wondering if I'll live long enough to do this and that.
It's a terrible way to live. I can't do this for much longer. I need a professional.
But I have a problem, you see. I have a horrible problem. I am a hypochondriac.
I can't sleep these days, and I wake up exhausted because I lie in bed in a near-panic for hours sometimes because I can't stop thinking about all the diseases I could have.
I've always been like this, but it's gotten worse recently. I can't focus on school or anything because I think about myself dying all the time. I think about all of the things that could go wrong or may already be wrong with my body until I want to cry or throw up.
I exhaust my brain with these thoughts of cancer and tumors and all things terminal. I face my mortality all the time. It makes me sick, and even as I type all of this, tears are welling up in my eyes because I'm so fucking terrified all the time that I don't even want to be awake to think about this. It paralyzes me with fear on a daily basis and that is so unhealthy.
This sounds dramatic, but it's always been this way. I just wish I were a normal person. I wish I didn't constantly have this horrific notion that I was dying. I wish I could just focus on the things I need to focus on - like that scholarship or my homework - and instead making myself sick wondering if I'll live long enough to do this and that.
It's a terrible way to live. I can't do this for much longer. I need a professional.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Womanhood sucks balls, dude.
I've never understood how "mother nature" makes my mood switch from blissfully happy to this unnerving sense of doubt with such little warning.
Today, it is the first day of my period and I just want all my friends to remind me that they love me because this chemical imbalance has turned me into a needy, paranoid version of myself who I do not like one bit.
It'll be better in a few days, but for now, I just want to go to sleep before I let myself think and feed whatever is going on in my brain.
Today, it is the first day of my period and I just want all my friends to remind me that they love me because this chemical imbalance has turned me into a needy, paranoid version of myself who I do not like one bit.
It'll be better in a few days, but for now, I just want to go to sleep before I let myself think and feed whatever is going on in my brain.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Things that are impossible to process:
My ex-boyfriend is a dad as of five in the morning today, and this is his Isabel.
Insecurities galore.
JG; the last good thing that I wrote about you privately was 238 days ago. I held on for a long time.
My biggest flaw, the flaw that could destroy me someday, is the way that I hold on. I never give up. I stay and I try to work things out. I want to fix things instead of breaking up, I want to repair damage instead of looking for someone new. And without fail, I have always met people who have realized this about me and taken advantage of it. And so this trait of mine, this ability to commit of which I was always so very proud, becomes a setback in my own happiness because I continue to try to work things out when it has gone too far.
I hope you're like me. This part of the relationship is the easy part. I hope, when things get more serious and we have that first fight and we start thinking further in the future, you're just as much of a fighter as I am. I hope you hold on tightly too, because it would be a perfect example of taking a weakness and turning it into a strength.
You're the kind of person I could eventually care about more than I ever have for anyone, and you make me adore you more every day. I really hope I am the same for you.
My biggest flaw, the flaw that could destroy me someday, is the way that I hold on. I never give up. I stay and I try to work things out. I want to fix things instead of breaking up, I want to repair damage instead of looking for someone new. And without fail, I have always met people who have realized this about me and taken advantage of it. And so this trait of mine, this ability to commit of which I was always so very proud, becomes a setback in my own happiness because I continue to try to work things out when it has gone too far.
I hope you're like me. This part of the relationship is the easy part. I hope, when things get more serious and we have that first fight and we start thinking further in the future, you're just as much of a fighter as I am. I hope you hold on tightly too, because it would be a perfect example of taking a weakness and turning it into a strength.
You're the kind of person I could eventually care about more than I ever have for anyone, and you make me adore you more every day. I really hope I am the same for you.
Semicentennial post!
Last night, I spent a few hours with Isaias. I treated him to dinner because, as I said, it was the least that I could do. We had a wonderful evening. I always have wonderful evenings when he is there; no matter what we do, the memory of his presence gives me something to smile like an idiot about while drifting off to sleep. I stayed out late, far past my curfew, because I was too busy muttering all of the things I love about him between kisses to go home. My priorities are askew and I have no desire to change that. As much fun as I have kissing him for very immoderate amount of time, however, I need to listen to him talk more. About himself, about anything really. I love learning about this wonderful boyfriend of mine. I love learning about anything that crosses the mind of this wonderful boyfriend of mine. No matter the relevancy, I more or less hang onto his every word.
Later on, when he said, "If you fall asleep, I might be forced to cuddle with you," I wished for a moment that I could have. But I cannot think about things like that because it's so soon and I cannot let myself get too involved too quickly. That's how I get hurt. I always find a way to get hurt, but I'm determined to do everything I'm capable of to keep this wonderful thing going. I would not easily forgive myself for ruining something like this with someone like him. I just... I am at a loss for words when I think about him. The only thing I know is that I could never get enough of how I feel when he smiles in the middle of a kiss.
Tonight, I spent time with Taylor after work. We watched Pitch Perfect and ate at Panera Bread, and we talked a lot about relationships. I wish I knew what to say to Taylor when she talked about how she felt. She talks of loneliness and empty wishes, and I wish I could change it for her. Taylor has her flaws just like anyone else, but she still has so much good in her. I wish someone else would see it too, someone whose opinion mattered in a differently than mine. I know it's different to hear compliments fall from the lips of someone who wants to kiss you than from one of your friends. I want her to find someone. When I talk about Isaias to her, she smiles and asks me questions, but I think she does so because she knows I like it when she does. I want her to find someone that she wants to ramble endlessly about because it's a lovely feeling when you meet someone like that and all you want to do is tell the entire world how great he is.
Taylor deserves to be loved. I hope that she finds someone soon, even if it's not the one she ends up with, who gives her a little taste of what that feels like. Personally, I've never been in love, but I'm sure it's something that changes you. I'm sure that, just as it has the potential to ruin you, it can also help you realize things about yourself. She doesn't need to change who she is, but she needs to change her perspective on who she is. I don't want her to be the type of person who gives up hope for love at such a young age. It makes me sad that she doesn't think she's valuable enough because I really do love her. Ideally, I wish she'd realize her value on her own, but that is not happening. Friendship can only do so much damage control.
While I was waiting at a stoplight on Wabash today, I glanced over at Coffee Grounds, and I saw Colin and a friend stepping outside. Colin was wearing the flannel he always wears, and as he stopped on the stairs leading to the upstairs apartments to smoke a cigarette, I felt like I was watching my own memories play in front of me. So many times I stood on that same stoop with him as he smoked those same cigarettes in that same flannel. He put his Jones soda on one of the stairs, that blue flavor he loves, and I remembered all of the times we read the bottle cap fortunes to each other. My life has changed entirely since the countless nights I spent sitting outside of Coffee Grounds listening to people discuss politics or sex or anything at all. Driving home with the windows down listening to "Time to Pretend" by MGMT. Texting Colin "drive safely" and timing my route home perfectly so I could leave at the last possible moment (11:52, always).
I give no thought to that little slice of downtown when I drive by it anymore, and those berry lemonade sodas don't have the same appeal that they used to. I continue to think about that moment, though, because it irks me. I have moved on from that phase of my life, and all of the things about those nights have little meaning to me anymore. I am so different than who I was when I signed that brick inside the building, and I am certain that, naturally, Colin has changed a lot too since we last talked. That's what life does. But that moment I witnessed will stand in contradiction of reality. That brief and probably insignificant flash of just another Saturday night with just another cigarette in his hand is a perfect representation of the Colin that is frozen in my mind. Isn't that strange how this commitment to memory defies reason?
I have to get up early, and I should be sleeping.
Later on, when he said, "If you fall asleep, I might be forced to cuddle with you," I wished for a moment that I could have. But I cannot think about things like that because it's so soon and I cannot let myself get too involved too quickly. That's how I get hurt. I always find a way to get hurt, but I'm determined to do everything I'm capable of to keep this wonderful thing going. I would not easily forgive myself for ruining something like this with someone like him. I just... I am at a loss for words when I think about him. The only thing I know is that I could never get enough of how I feel when he smiles in the middle of a kiss.
Tonight, I spent time with Taylor after work. We watched Pitch Perfect and ate at Panera Bread, and we talked a lot about relationships. I wish I knew what to say to Taylor when she talked about how she felt. She talks of loneliness and empty wishes, and I wish I could change it for her. Taylor has her flaws just like anyone else, but she still has so much good in her. I wish someone else would see it too, someone whose opinion mattered in a differently than mine. I know it's different to hear compliments fall from the lips of someone who wants to kiss you than from one of your friends. I want her to find someone. When I talk about Isaias to her, she smiles and asks me questions, but I think she does so because she knows I like it when she does. I want her to find someone that she wants to ramble endlessly about because it's a lovely feeling when you meet someone like that and all you want to do is tell the entire world how great he is.
Taylor deserves to be loved. I hope that she finds someone soon, even if it's not the one she ends up with, who gives her a little taste of what that feels like. Personally, I've never been in love, but I'm sure it's something that changes you. I'm sure that, just as it has the potential to ruin you, it can also help you realize things about yourself. She doesn't need to change who she is, but she needs to change her perspective on who she is. I don't want her to be the type of person who gives up hope for love at such a young age. It makes me sad that she doesn't think she's valuable enough because I really do love her. Ideally, I wish she'd realize her value on her own, but that is not happening. Friendship can only do so much damage control.
While I was waiting at a stoplight on Wabash today, I glanced over at Coffee Grounds, and I saw Colin and a friend stepping outside. Colin was wearing the flannel he always wears, and as he stopped on the stairs leading to the upstairs apartments to smoke a cigarette, I felt like I was watching my own memories play in front of me. So many times I stood on that same stoop with him as he smoked those same cigarettes in that same flannel. He put his Jones soda on one of the stairs, that blue flavor he loves, and I remembered all of the times we read the bottle cap fortunes to each other. My life has changed entirely since the countless nights I spent sitting outside of Coffee Grounds listening to people discuss politics or sex or anything at all. Driving home with the windows down listening to "Time to Pretend" by MGMT. Texting Colin "drive safely" and timing my route home perfectly so I could leave at the last possible moment (11:52, always).
I give no thought to that little slice of downtown when I drive by it anymore, and those berry lemonade sodas don't have the same appeal that they used to. I continue to think about that moment, though, because it irks me. I have moved on from that phase of my life, and all of the things about those nights have little meaning to me anymore. I am so different than who I was when I signed that brick inside the building, and I am certain that, naturally, Colin has changed a lot too since we last talked. That's what life does. But that moment I witnessed will stand in contradiction of reality. That brief and probably insignificant flash of just another Saturday night with just another cigarette in his hand is a perfect representation of the Colin that is frozen in my mind. Isn't that strange how this commitment to memory defies reason?
I have to get up early, and I should be sleeping.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
This haiku, guys.
This haiku right here.
You learned of my pain
And said you'd try to fix me.
That wasn't your job.
Then let's go with some more Tyler Knott because his words are beautiful and mine are not.
Love bravely,
Love without
borders or fear.
Follow your heart
no matter the cost.
No matter
the cost.
You learned of my pain
And said you'd try to fix me.
That wasn't your job.
Then let's go with some more Tyler Knott because his words are beautiful and mine are not.
Love bravely,
Love without
borders or fear.
Follow your heart
no matter the cost.
No matter
the cost.
My sleepless mind defaults on you.
I wish I had something tangible to represent the way that your very presence wraps itself around me to the core, but tonight, you are still to remain finite and two-dimensional with my fragmented sentences. No photograph or paragraph could accurately depict the delicate balance of reverence and curiosity I hold for you. Realistically, this is the only the beginning. Realistically, the entirety of this paragraph is based solely on potential rather than proof. But realistically, I have hope unyielding in the caverns of my mind and my heart for you.
Maybe I appear to be jumping forward with excessive enthusiasm, so let me take a step away from this warm and cozy situation to present the facts. I know general details of you, but not the things that matter: I know the places that you lived as a child, but I do not know how they shaped you as a person. I know that you have been frustrated before, but I do not know how frustration makes you carry yourself. I know where you went to college, but I do not know anything about the friends you made or the experiences you had. I know what your bedroom looks like, but I do not know if you sleep on your stomach or your side.
I suppose that in summation I feel the need to clarify myself. I am not so wrapped up in an image of you that I cannot accept anything less than who I think you are. You are going to have faults, tons of them, just like me, and I am going to have to accept them. I am going to be surprised by all of the facets of your personality for a long time yet before I can say that I know you, so for now I have decided that you have a kind heart worth filling and a wonderful mind worth understanding. I do not know you as I hope to know you someday, but I am more than willing to stick around long enough to learn as much or as little as you'd like.
Truly, at this moment in time, a moment far too late for my mind still to be conscious, I have taken a simple issue and complicated it: you make me happy, and I hope that, even after we burn away the initial stage of batting eyelashes and butterfly kisses, we connect. Really, I just hope that we can find something that fits.
Maybe I appear to be jumping forward with excessive enthusiasm, so let me take a step away from this warm and cozy situation to present the facts. I know general details of you, but not the things that matter: I know the places that you lived as a child, but I do not know how they shaped you as a person. I know that you have been frustrated before, but I do not know how frustration makes you carry yourself. I know where you went to college, but I do not know anything about the friends you made or the experiences you had. I know what your bedroom looks like, but I do not know if you sleep on your stomach or your side.
I suppose that in summation I feel the need to clarify myself. I am not so wrapped up in an image of you that I cannot accept anything less than who I think you are. You are going to have faults, tons of them, just like me, and I am going to have to accept them. I am going to be surprised by all of the facets of your personality for a long time yet before I can say that I know you, so for now I have decided that you have a kind heart worth filling and a wonderful mind worth understanding. I do not know you as I hope to know you someday, but I am more than willing to stick around long enough to learn as much or as little as you'd like.
Truly, at this moment in time, a moment far too late for my mind still to be conscious, I have taken a simple issue and complicated it: you make me happy, and I hope that, even after we burn away the initial stage of batting eyelashes and butterfly kisses, we connect. Really, I just hope that we can find something that fits.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Otra vez.
Hay tantos ideas en mi cabeza y estoy llena de potencial, pero no puedo encontrar las ganas. En vez de estar productiva, aquí me siento y escribo mis sentimientos en español porque pienso que parecen más bonitos en este idioma. Pienso que mi traducción es llena de errores, pero está bien. Mis palabras no tienen sentido en cualquiera de los dos idiomas.
Fluff.
I used to be so poetic, but these days, I stay up too late and decide in the middle of the night to take things that don't matter and turn them into shallow, empty sentences. I am tired, too tired for this text box, but I cannot sleep, so I sit here and continue to fill it with nothing. I wish I had something substantial to say.
Lack of sleep.
I was going to write about some things I found in my room, but I don't want to anymore. They are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and instead, because right now I favor the words of others over the words of my own, enjoy one of my favorite poems of all time.
Patterns - Amy Lowell.
Patterns - Amy Lowell.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
This is the best picture I have ever taken at work.
In other news, I wish I could post pictures of the four new bras I bought today without it being inappropriate because they are so cute. So I'll describe them! That's better, right? One is a salmon color. One is purple and black. One is purple, blue, and black, and it basically has the universe on it (hey, Wal-Mart sells stuff in packs of two, I'm not going to complain), and the last one is a light purple.
I also bought sweat pants, leggings, and jeggings. I'm totally prepared for college.
Today was nice. I spent most of it by myself. I really needed some quality time with myself. We haven't spent time together in a while. So I treated me to some comfortable clothes and some bras and some diet coke. Lovely.
In other news, I wish I could post pictures of the four new bras I bought today without it being inappropriate because they are so cute. So I'll describe them! That's better, right? One is a salmon color. One is purple and black. One is purple, blue, and black, and it basically has the universe on it (hey, Wal-Mart sells stuff in packs of two, I'm not going to complain), and the last one is a light purple.
I also bought sweat pants, leggings, and jeggings. I'm totally prepared for college.
Today was nice. I spent most of it by myself. I really needed some quality time with myself. We haven't spent time together in a while. So I treated me to some comfortable clothes and some bras and some diet coke. Lovely.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, you asshole.
Last night, Isaias talked briefly about Looper, and I realized, "Oh hey, I used to really like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I haven't really thought about him lately."
And then I looked him up and was entirely unprepared when I found this shit:
I think I must just have a thing for facial hair because oh my god, that last one. (It's not just JGL either. I remember very well when Isaias did no-shave November. Mmm.)
And then Joseph Gordon-Levitt wrote a book called The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories. Here are some quotes from that book:
"Well, look who I ran into," crowed Coincidence.
"Please," flirted Fate, "it was meant to be."
“If I read our story backwards, it’s about how I un-broke your heart, and then you were happy until you forgot about me forever.”
"And in the morning they shook their pillows violently, hoping all the dreams they lost that night would tumble out.”
I genuinely don't even know what these quotes mean in the context of their stories, but basically, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is ruining my life right now.
And then I looked him up and was entirely unprepared when I found this shit:
I think I must just have a thing for facial hair because oh my god, that last one. (It's not just JGL either. I remember very well when Isaias did no-shave November. Mmm.)
And then Joseph Gordon-Levitt wrote a book called The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories. Here are some quotes from that book:
"Well, look who I ran into," crowed Coincidence.
"Please," flirted Fate, "it was meant to be."
“If I read our story backwards, it’s about how I un-broke your heart, and then you were happy until you forgot about me forever.”
"And in the morning they shook their pillows violently, hoping all the dreams they lost that night would tumble out.”
I genuinely don't even know what these quotes mean in the context of their stories, but basically, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is ruining my life right now.
Wasted potential.
Every time my family starts to talk about Matthew, I just want to walk out of the room. I hate all of these new questions that arise - is he going back to school, will he get a job, where will he be living... all of it adds up to one thing: an inconsistent, insecure, lazy nineteen-year-old who is under the impression that he is wise beyond his years.
It makes me think back to two years ago when he was dating Lila. Yes, he had a lot of complaints about her, but truly, she brought out the best in his personality. She made him want to exercise and eat healthy food. She made him want to be nice to people. She made him want to try in school. She gave him respect and love, and in turn, he gave her his heart. I remember one fall evening, he picked me up after work and we drove around until two in the morning trying to plan out the perfect date for Lila. We made a playlist. We found a place out in the country for him to take her to look at the stars. He wanted to amaze her, and I'm sure he did. What happened to that person?
I remember this summer, just a couple of weeks before school started, Matthew stopped by my house without warning after work to ask me if I wanted to stay at his house. I was surprised, but pleasantly so, so I grabbed my phone charger and he and I headed to Denny's at 11 PM. While we sat in there, Matthew discussed how upset he still was over Lila. They had broken up two weeks before, but he said he knew it was inevitable. He said he wanted to focus entirely on school. After that, he took me around town and showed me all of these different places where he had memories of her. And I let him talk because I knew he needed someone just to listen. What happened to that person?
Don't get me wrong - I am happy that he is not sad. I know he does not have to be with Lila to be happy, or with anyone at all really. But I miss the person he was when he was with Lila. She complemented him very well. Right now, just barely making it back into a second semester of school, throwing ridiculous parties every weekend and using them as excuses not to get his work done, getting fired from his job for being too hungover to get out of bed.... That's not who Matthew is supposed to be.
I hope he realizes he's worth more than that before he does something permanent to his life.
It makes me think back to two years ago when he was dating Lila. Yes, he had a lot of complaints about her, but truly, she brought out the best in his personality. She made him want to exercise and eat healthy food. She made him want to be nice to people. She made him want to try in school. She gave him respect and love, and in turn, he gave her his heart. I remember one fall evening, he picked me up after work and we drove around until two in the morning trying to plan out the perfect date for Lila. We made a playlist. We found a place out in the country for him to take her to look at the stars. He wanted to amaze her, and I'm sure he did. What happened to that person?
I remember this summer, just a couple of weeks before school started, Matthew stopped by my house without warning after work to ask me if I wanted to stay at his house. I was surprised, but pleasantly so, so I grabbed my phone charger and he and I headed to Denny's at 11 PM. While we sat in there, Matthew discussed how upset he still was over Lila. They had broken up two weeks before, but he said he knew it was inevitable. He said he wanted to focus entirely on school. After that, he took me around town and showed me all of these different places where he had memories of her. And I let him talk because I knew he needed someone just to listen. What happened to that person?
Don't get me wrong - I am happy that he is not sad. I know he does not have to be with Lila to be happy, or with anyone at all really. But I miss the person he was when he was with Lila. She complemented him very well. Right now, just barely making it back into a second semester of school, throwing ridiculous parties every weekend and using them as excuses not to get his work done, getting fired from his job for being too hungover to get out of bed.... That's not who Matthew is supposed to be.
I hope he realizes he's worth more than that before he does something permanent to his life.
dos mil y doce.
2012 is over. The very thought of that is strange. But you know me - before I move onto the next year, I must first run 2012 dry. So let's go over some of the most important - and some that are not so much - things that happened this past year.
In school, a lot actually happened. I joined National Honor Society in January. I also joined Link Crew in May. I finished up my junior year ranked 13 in my class with a GPA of 3.9 and began my senior year this fall. I became president of Latin club last year and still am this year. I was nominated - though I did not win - to represent Indiana in a national writing contest. I got accepted into IU Bloomington. I got accepted into ISU and their honors program. I got invited to interview for the presidential scholarship there, but that happens in February. I also went to prom. That was a lot of fun.
Now, what about family and friends? Well, unfortunately, my grandmother died in May of this year. My great aunt died in December as well, though I hardly knew her. My brother and Colleen are going to have a baby this coming June, and if it's a girl, they want to name her Norah. Raven and I stopped being friends, but I think we're starting to reconcile a little. I started work at Baskin Robbins this year too. That job was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I have seven reasons for that: Emily, Daniel, Isaias, Katelyn, Emma, Taylor, and Lauren.
My love life jumped around completely. I began the year with Joseph Gonzales. I broke up with him in the summer. He won me back. He broke up with me in the fall. During the period where we were not together, I had Colin. Good old Colin. I should never have let that happen. At the end of December, I went on few dates with Isaias, and I ended the year with him as my official boyfriend. I'd say that was a positive note.
A lot of bad things happened this year, but a lot of good things did too. Let's hope 2013 continues this upward streak.
In school, a lot actually happened. I joined National Honor Society in January. I also joined Link Crew in May. I finished up my junior year ranked 13 in my class with a GPA of 3.9 and began my senior year this fall. I became president of Latin club last year and still am this year. I was nominated - though I did not win - to represent Indiana in a national writing contest. I got accepted into IU Bloomington. I got accepted into ISU and their honors program. I got invited to interview for the presidential scholarship there, but that happens in February. I also went to prom. That was a lot of fun.
Now, what about family and friends? Well, unfortunately, my grandmother died in May of this year. My great aunt died in December as well, though I hardly knew her. My brother and Colleen are going to have a baby this coming June, and if it's a girl, they want to name her Norah. Raven and I stopped being friends, but I think we're starting to reconcile a little. I started work at Baskin Robbins this year too. That job was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I have seven reasons for that: Emily, Daniel, Isaias, Katelyn, Emma, Taylor, and Lauren.
My love life jumped around completely. I began the year with Joseph Gonzales. I broke up with him in the summer. He won me back. He broke up with me in the fall. During the period where we were not together, I had Colin. Good old Colin. I should never have let that happen. At the end of December, I went on few dates with Isaias, and I ended the year with him as my official boyfriend. I'd say that was a positive note.
A lot of bad things happened this year, but a lot of good things did too. Let's hope 2013 continues this upward streak.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
I talk too much. Especially about you.
I return to school tomorrow, and it genuinely pains me to think about it. I wish I were as motivated as I used to be. I have to start fresh tomorrow. I know I always say that and seldom does it happen that way, but I've got no choice.
I spent New Year's Eve with Isaias, and I am in the mood to discuss it now. We watched Dr. Who and Scrubs and spent a lot of time ignoring Dr. Who and Scrubs. The only reason we knew it was midnight was because both of our phones vibrated. We had better things to do.
While we were sitting on my couch, he talked a little about college. I already knew a general description of why he never finished - a money issue - but really nothing else. I always wanted to ask, but I never wanted him to feel like I was trying to send him an underlying message, to persuade him to go back or anything.
So I asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" He said culinary school, maybe, but I'm not sure he knows really. And that's okay.
Later, I asked, "Does it bother you that you didn't finish college?"
He said, "All the time."
At that moment, that strangely light-hearted but vulnerable moment, I realized that there might be other things he really dislikes about himself. And if that's true, it breaks my heart.
I still think he's brilliant. It never bothered me because it changed absolutely nothing about him in my mind. Obviously I am biased, but I could not imagine anything better than this adorable person who finds actual enjoyment in Pokemon cards and speaks entirely in ridiculous puns. There is nothing more I could ask for, and a college degree or lack thereof is not going to change that.
I wonder, if I ever give him this blog, if he would think how much I have to say about him is creepy. I hope not. Truly, I'm not in love with him. I'm not obsessed with him. I am just in awe of him, but not in an unhealthy way.
I play it off with a laugh a lot of the time, but truly, I have very little confidence in myself. I see the best in other people but the worst in me. I go through periods of time where I despise myself, and I have had the worst luck with men that I could ever imagine. From Cameron, who told me I was worthless on a regular basis, to Joe, who gave me a year of empty excuses and a wounded psyche, I can't help but feel sometimes like I deserved all the terrible things that those people did to me. I have a hard time grasping the fact that I am with someone like Isaias.
I am having a hard time wrapping myself around the idea that I could deserve someone like Isaias. I hope as he gets to know me better, he will not think the same way I do about myself. I hope that I'm the one with the distorted perspective.
He said to me on my couch last night, "You're wonderful, fantastic even." I'll let those words sit, let them echo through the corridors of my sleep-deprived mind for a while. Lord knows I need the comfort.
If 2013 gives me anything, anything at all in this year of inevitable shifts and breaks in my foundation, let Isaias be a constant.
I spent New Year's Eve with Isaias, and I am in the mood to discuss it now. We watched Dr. Who and Scrubs and spent a lot of time ignoring Dr. Who and Scrubs. The only reason we knew it was midnight was because both of our phones vibrated. We had better things to do.
While we were sitting on my couch, he talked a little about college. I already knew a general description of why he never finished - a money issue - but really nothing else. I always wanted to ask, but I never wanted him to feel like I was trying to send him an underlying message, to persuade him to go back or anything.
So I asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" He said culinary school, maybe, but I'm not sure he knows really. And that's okay.
Later, I asked, "Does it bother you that you didn't finish college?"
He said, "All the time."
At that moment, that strangely light-hearted but vulnerable moment, I realized that there might be other things he really dislikes about himself. And if that's true, it breaks my heart.
I still think he's brilliant. It never bothered me because it changed absolutely nothing about him in my mind. Obviously I am biased, but I could not imagine anything better than this adorable person who finds actual enjoyment in Pokemon cards and speaks entirely in ridiculous puns. There is nothing more I could ask for, and a college degree or lack thereof is not going to change that.
I wonder, if I ever give him this blog, if he would think how much I have to say about him is creepy. I hope not. Truly, I'm not in love with him. I'm not obsessed with him. I am just in awe of him, but not in an unhealthy way.
I play it off with a laugh a lot of the time, but truly, I have very little confidence in myself. I see the best in other people but the worst in me. I go through periods of time where I despise myself, and I have had the worst luck with men that I could ever imagine. From Cameron, who told me I was worthless on a regular basis, to Joe, who gave me a year of empty excuses and a wounded psyche, I can't help but feel sometimes like I deserved all the terrible things that those people did to me. I have a hard time grasping the fact that I am with someone like Isaias.
I am having a hard time wrapping myself around the idea that I could deserve someone like Isaias. I hope as he gets to know me better, he will not think the same way I do about myself. I hope that I'm the one with the distorted perspective.
He said to me on my couch last night, "You're wonderful, fantastic even." I'll let those words sit, let them echo through the corridors of my sleep-deprived mind for a while. Lord knows I need the comfort.
If 2013 gives me anything, anything at all in this year of inevitable shifts and breaks in my foundation, let Isaias be a constant.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Nine Ten Eleven.
Instead of doing homework, I have spent all of the time I have been off work looking at AU TenToo/Rose gifsets where they're married and happy together. I genuinely think that Doctor Who has ruined me forever.
I think about Rose and the Doctor probably more than Billie Piper and David Tennant thought about Rose and the Doctor. I was overwhelmed with the love the two had for each other and shattered by the heartbreak that came with it. No show has ever done that before.
I sighed in disappointment with Martha as she fell victim to an unrequited romance but smiled proudly as she saved the world. I rolled my eyes and laughed as season four became Donna and her space man, and I felt the pain she would have had she remembered it all. And with Amy and Rory, I fell in love with them as they fell in love with each other.
And that is why Doctor Who is my favorite show. Yes, an alien travels through time and space but my god this show is about love and bravery, tragedy and heartache, friendship and sacrifice. Second chances and forgiveness. Wrath and power.
I seriously don't even know what I contemplated before this show.
I think about Rose and the Doctor probably more than Billie Piper and David Tennant thought about Rose and the Doctor. I was overwhelmed with the love the two had for each other and shattered by the heartbreak that came with it. No show has ever done that before.
I sighed in disappointment with Martha as she fell victim to an unrequited romance but smiled proudly as she saved the world. I rolled my eyes and laughed as season four became Donna and her space man, and I felt the pain she would have had she remembered it all. And with Amy and Rory, I fell in love with them as they fell in love with each other.
And that is why Doctor Who is my favorite show. Yes, an alien travels through time and space but my god this show is about love and bravery, tragedy and heartache, friendship and sacrifice. Second chances and forgiveness. Wrath and power.
I seriously don't even know what I contemplated before this show.
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